WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President Trump re-election campaign has announced that they will be holding a bonfire in the Detroit area this evening. The bonfire coincides with a major effort from the Trump campaign to deliver Michigan’s Electoral College votes to the alleged billionaire’s coffer next year. The fuel for the bonfire will be Amazon Kindles.
“For starters, a traditional book burning is so last century,” Trump told reporters this afternoon at a hot dog stand where he was eating weiners by the tiny fistful, “and secondly, that bastard Bezos cut off my Amazon Prime account, so I want to show the country what happens when you cross your new leader. The furor will not die down, I tell you that much right now.”
Trump says that he will make sure that every Kindle that is thrown into the bonfire has either a Koran or a textbook from a university on its display at the time.
“We don’t want any friggin’ Sharia Law here,” Trump said, “because this is America. If we’re going to write religious-based laws they’ll be based on the good, clean, Christian Bible. Also, colleges are just liberal brainwashing academies now, we know that. So if we burn some textbooks that say the planet is more than 6,000 years old, who really loses then, I ask you. Who loses then?”
When asked by reporters if book burnings were consistent with American values and the Constitution’s protections of freedom of speech and expression, President Trump got a confused look on his face.
“Constitution? What’s that,” Trump asked, “never heard of it. I think you mean constipation, and let me tell you — you couldn’t be more wrong. I take the biggest, most regular dumps on the face of the planet. Doctors are always amazed at the amount of shit that comes out of my body. And I don’t just mean my perfect, pink, puckered anus either. I shit so regularly and voluminously, most of it actually comes streaming from my lips.”
The alleged-billionaire and confirmed D-List reality-TV celebrity told reporters that he will also consider burning iPhones and iPads as long as they have some content on them “real, true Americans would find offensive.”
“You know, like books about helping the poor, shit like that,” Trump said before getting on his plane.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”