SOMEWHERE IN THE AIR, ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN — As Air Force Individual-1 readied to take off from Japan for the nation’s capital, President Donald Trump told reporters that if Democrats attempt to start impeachment proceedings now, they are overstepping their constitutional bounds.
“You cannot impeach a president for attempted crimes,” Trump told the media. “At least that’s what Rudy Giuliani told me, and he’s literally the smartest man who married his second cousin that I’ve ever known.”
Mr. Trump says that as president, he “will not allow attempted crimes” to be prosecuted at all.
“In my America, you don’t go to jail for attempted crimes. Stuff like conspiracy, obstruction, or murder are not crimes you charge someone with simply attempting,” the president insisted. “If we busted people for trying things in this country, we’d never have gotten to the moon. Would Democrats impeach all the astronauts who tried and failed to get to the moon?”
Trump believes that “real, you know, WHITE Americans” will agree with him that “only crimes that are fully committed” should be prosecuted.
“And even then, only crimes that are committed by Democrats,” Trump insisted. “We’re called a Republic, so therefore Republicans are literally not able to commit a crime. If we go around holding people accountable for the crimes they very much so wanted to commit but were either too stupid to, or were foiled by their staff who were too scared to carry out my — excuse me — WHOEVER’S orders, then we don’t really live in America anymore.”
Mr. Trump believes that crimes that are attempted but failed should be “no harm-no foul.”
“If I try to kill someone on 5th avenue, would you put me on trial for that? Of course not,” Trump said. “There are no victims in attempted crimes!”
The president reminded Americans that there is another reason he “cannot and will not ever be held accountable for anything, ever.”
“I was born rich, and am allegedly still a billionaire,” Trump declared. “When’s the last time you saw anyone who was rich AF be held accountable in this country? Late stage capitalism doesn’t allow for such ridiculous notions.”
President Trump reminded Americans that Mueller was “deeply conflicted,” “should never have started his ILL-IGGLE probe,” “biased as hell,” and that he “totally and completely cleared” Trump of all wrongdoing “until the end of time.”
“Sure, Bob Mueller was a piece of shit. Sure, he was obviously the most corrupt person of all time. And yes, of course his totally ILL-IGGLE and massively terrible investigation should have never been opened,” Trump said. “But since I’m still moving my lips and sound is coming out for some reason, let me also state that his report completely exonerates me. Not just of crimes I totally did not commit — WINK WINK — but for crimes I will commit later, too.”
The bottom line, Trump says, is that “we don’t punish people for failing to do what they set out to do” in America on his watch.
“If we punished people for failing, Trump University, Trump Steaks, and Trump bottled water would have landed me in the pokey years ago,” Trump said. “So, you know, checkmate, ANGRY DEMOCRATS.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.