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Thursday, September 21, 2023

White House Releases List of Purchases Trump Has Made Using Funds From His Secret Chinese Bank Account

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the last four years, President Donald Trump has had what some on the Hill call an “on again, off again” relationship with President XI of China. While he’s spent a majority of time in office waging a trade war with China, levying billions in tariffs that have been equaled each step of the way by Xi, Trump has assailed the Chinese government for what he believes is decades of their taking advantage of the relationship between themselves and the U.S.

MORE: Don Jr Mocks Hunter Biden For Having a Dad Who Loves and Cares About Him

However, despite his extremely overt hawkishness on China, yesterday The Super-Duper Failing New York Times reported that Trump has a bank account in China, and that he’s paid over $170,000 in taxes to the Chinese government, which would dwarf the $750 tax payments he made to the U.S. Treasury Department in 2017 and 2018.

The Chinese account is controlled by Trump International Hotels Management L.L.C., which the tax records show paid $188,561 in taxes in China while pursuing licensing deals there from 2013 to 2015.

The tax records do not include details on how much money may have passed through the overseas accounts, though the Internal Revenue Service does require filers to report the portion of their income derived from other countries. The British and Irish accounts are held by companies that operate Mr. Trump’s golf courses in Scotland and Ireland, which regularly report millions of dollars in revenue from those countries. Trump International Hotels Management reported just a few thousand dollars from China. (NYT)

Perhaps as an acknowledgement of the potentially bad optics involved in him having a secret Chinese bank account, the White House has published a list of five things President Trump bought with the money in that account. The administration said it might be willing to publish more information on the purchases Trump has made using his Chinese bank account, but this close to the election, it’s unclear if or when that will happen. In an effort to inform the public, we have chosen to print the list and the items’ descriptions verbatim as provided to us by the White House, below.

From the Desk of the President of the United States of America, or Whatever:

While it is true that Brave Patriot President Donald J. Trump has a Chinese bank account, and while it is true he attacks China powerfully and viciously every single day, the existence of the account should not be a cause for any concern or worry from the American people. A little presidential hypocrisy is good for the country, and beyond that, once the great people of this bigly amazing country see the kinds of things Dear President uses the money in the secret Chinese bank account to purchase, it will become even more obvious how little the account matters.

#1. 150,000 Trump Branded “Chinese Finger Cuffs”

Most Americans know the president is the smartest and most physically adept man to ever hold the office. One way he stays so mentally sharp is by completing mental and physical challenges. However, these finger cuffs are so he and Ted Cruz can touch dicks but still feel like they’re not fucking each other directly.

#2. Donald Trump Jr’s Electoral College Tuition

It costs a lot of money to send a kid to school. It costs even more money to send an adult child with an IQ just north of his shoe size to college. But it takes an insanely large amount of money to send your super-stupid kid to one of the most important and historic colleges in American history, and that’s what President Donald Trump did for his third-most intelligent son, Don Jr, when he paid the tuition and let him matriculate to the Electoral College.

#3. 6700 Big Macs and 10,220 Chicken McNuggets

If you know anything about our Dear President, it’s that he fuels his Olympian-quality body with an Olympic pool sized amount of the best food an athlete like him can afford. That’s why in 2018 alone, he bought over 6,700 Big Macs and 10,220 Chicken McNuggets. The results, we think, speak for themselves.

#4. Some Very Tasteful Boudoir Photos

If you had a daughter as fine as Ivanka, you’d shell out $35,000 for the most sexy and tasteful boudoir photos you could imagine, too. Don’t judge.

#5. One-Way Tickets for the Entire Family to Moscow

Let’s just say even the least corrupt, totally not inept presidents need to be able to skip the country and hide out from charges of money laundering, tax evasion, and several other white collar finance crimes. Again, don’t judge!

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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