WASHINGTON, D.C. — A confident and clearly rejuvenated President Donald Trump announced today that he was going to “bigly reward” his most loyal supporters — both rank and file voters and elected officials — with a special barbecue some time this summer. President Trump made the announcement just hours after a rambling, stream of consciousness, televised victory lap from the White House in which he discussed his feelings in the wake of the impeachment trial against him in the Senate reaching its conclusion. As had largely been expected, the president’s political party saved him from defeat, voting mostly along party lines to acquit him on both charges brought against him by the House.
“I’m feeling good. From head to toe, I’m feeling great. Haven’t felt this great since I grabbed my first puss, really,” Trump said as he came out of the White House to board a helicopter for a ride to the Dairy Queen. “That celebratory rambling rant I just had back there will probably be talked about in history classes forever. I don’t want to say it, but many people on my payroll have told me to say it, so I will, but I think I surpassed the Gettysburg Address with what I said back there. I mean, did you hear me make fun of Mitt Romney? I know I did honest Abe proud back there.”
Pacing back and forth and gesticulating wildly, Trump announced that he had decided “during executive time” that he wanted to “give back” to the people who had supported him the most during the impeachment process. He wants to thank his “loyal subjects and willing, complicit stooge toadies in Congress” for sticking by him, he said. Trump then announced his plans for exactly how he will thank his base and congressional Republicans.
“So that’s why we’re gonna have a yuge, enormous cookout, right out here, on the lawn of the White House,” Trump said, “which now that I’m completely free to do whatever I want, will be soon named Trump’s White Power House. Because, you know, I’m so powerful, WINK WINK! Isn’t it cool how I say the winks out loud? So many cucks out there do the non-verbal wink. But I do the verbal one, because frankly the sound of my voice is soothing to me.”
The cookout fare will be “traditional American barbecue and grill foods,” Trump said.
“Hot dogs, hamberders, lobster tails, you name it. The taxpayers won’t pay a dime once I repay them back for it, which I will totally do. I’m good for it, you know I’m good for it,” Trump explained. “Oh, and I haven’t told you the best part. It’s going to have a Kool-Aid toast, after everyone’s had a chance to eat a berder or two, and mingle. People tell me MY DAUGHTER IVANKA is the best mingler. She’ll be there, too. Probably looking fine and sexy as hell, as always. Never been a hotter piece of ass as a First Daughter, I’ll tell you that much. They’ve all be TOTAL LOSER DOGS compared to MY DAUGHTER IVANKA.”
Trump took the next three minutes to describe in great, graphic detail how hot his daughter is. Eventually, he found himself out of steam. Trump farted, and then his train of thought came back to him.
“But this Kool-Aid toast! Oh brother, let me tell you, it’s going to be great,” Trump announced. “Everyone’s going to get their own Dixie cup full of Kool-Aid. And then everyone can take turns toasting me, their favorite president! What a fantastic idea. You know, a lot of people do champagne toasts, but not me. Because alcohol is very bad for your health. Not a lot of people know that, but I do. Very bad for your health, that alcohol, that’s why I never touch the stuff.”
The president removed a prescription pill bottle and took out two Adderall. He crushed them up in the palm of his hand with his keys. The powder was almost too much for his diminutive mitts to hang onto, so he snorted it all up as quickly as he could. Brushing and pulling at his face for a couple of seconds, Trump continued.
“Really, super nasty stuff, that booze-ahol. It’s why I never touch it,” Trump repeated himself. “So anyway, everyone who shows up at the cookout gets to have a cup of the Kool-Aid. And all we had to do in return was give Kool-Aid naming rights. So it’s the Kool-Aid Kountry Kookout, hosted by me, your favorite president.”
Because the White House has limited space, and Trump doesn’t plan to put any limitations on the number of invitees, he said the cookout may need to be moved to a different locale, if the RSVP list grows too large.
“We’re looking at a couple of South American countries, actually, that could host it,” Trump said. “Then we have to figure out how to fly everyone down, though. So hopefully it’s nice little event with a neat little Kool-Aid toast followed by a group nap. Should be fantastic!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.