Trump Relinquishes Presidential Responsibilities in Democrat-Run Cities

WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a press conference today, President Donald Trump officially relinquished all presidential responsibilities in cities that have Democrats as mayors. It’s a development that takes quite a bit of nuance to understand, because President Trump is claiming that he is only giving up responsibility in the Democrat cities, not his presidential powers themselves.

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In other words, the president is saying he is not to blame or at fault for anything that happens in Democrat cities, despite them being cities in the very country he’s president of. In particular, Trump is not to blame for federal troops escalating violence in cities like Portland for almost three full months. Traditionally, no matter which party controls a mayor’s seat, Americans have viewed the larger responsibility of protecting all American citizens as one that ultimately belongs to the president, because he or she is president of all the states.

Trump threw buckets of cold water on that concept today.

“I hereby decree that I’m only in charge but not responsible in Democrat cities,” Trump said. “The buck doesn’t stop here, because one buck isn’t enough to get me to do anything. You need boat loads of rubles — excuse me, dollars, to get me off my Twitter account.”

Trump stated that “in general” he shies away from “anything that even smells like responsibility.”

“Quite frankly, in general I’m not someone who goes near anything that even smells like responsibility,” Trump said, “so I don’t think anyone’s gonna be surprised by this.”

No other president in history has tried to retain power over a city while also claiming to not be responsible for anything that happens in the city. At least not as openly as the president is doing so now. Though this move seems fairly radical by historic measures, however, conservative, pro-Trump Republicans who might normally sound the alarms about federal overreach have come out in support of Trump’s decision.

“I think this is great, frankly. If a president’s feelings are hurt by certain Americans, he has every right to not be their president anymore,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) told reporters when asked today. “Now, let me make a really stupid joke that I think is way funnier than it is, and then look smugly into the camera, confident I just owned the libs.”

Congressman Devin Nunes gave a statement to the press as well, however because he didn’t remove the president’s dong from his mouth before making it, the statement was largely unintelligible. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, however, had no such problems. Though his crotch was still stained black from fucking a lump of coal, his words were heard quite clearly.

“Allow me the courtesy of checking something before I make a statement, will you,” McConnell asked, fishing a card out of his wallet. “Ah! Yes, okay. So I’m still a card carrying Republican, and so is the president. Because he has not switched parties, and I have not either, I am fully supportive of Trump salvaging his ego and pretending he doesn’t have to care about cities with Democrat mayors.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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