The April 2020 jobs report is in, and it’s an absolute blood bath, which has many financial experts sounding the alarm this morning.
Today’s report shows an astounding 20.5 million jobs were lost last month. The loss of jobs since the beginning of the coronavirus outbreak and ensuing lockdowns brings the unemployment rate to a staggering 14.7%. After the great recession of 2008, the Obama administration oversaw a period of record jobs growth, but nearly all of the jobs added since that point have been wiped out in just a matter of weeks.
“What this report indicates is that we’re headed to a point where Trump has put the economy in as deep a depression as he’s put the American people,” Patricia McSally, an economist from Duke University told us today. “Americans were already pretty depressed about being forced into accepting a D-list reality TV game show host and failed businessman as their leader thanks to the Electoral College and 63 million of their fellow Americans being abject idiots. Four years of his so-called leadership had already left voters depressed, and now it seems like a few weeks of a botched pandemic response has put the economy in the same state as the American people.”
Scott Reed, an economist in Nevada, says that he sees signs of “striking similarities between the mental state of Americans and their economy.”
“If the economy were a person, I’d seriously consider putting it on suicide watch right now,” Reed explained, “and I cannot tell you how many people I’ve met that tell me they think they’d rather be dead than see what happens after another four years of Trump.”
Senior White House Bullshit Artist Kellyanne Conway spun the jobs report in as positive a light as she could muster. Choosing instead to refer to the unemployed as “alternatively employed,” Conway said that Americans “should feel lucky knowing President Trump will be here to guide us all through this.” Trump’s history as a businessman, Conway argued, would give him the knowledge he needs to steer the American country forward into extremely unchartered waters.
“I’m sure it seems very scary for people right now, especially if they listen to the Democrat-controlled media and not the good, clean, ammo hoarding American Christian Patriot Republican media,” Conway told reporters. “I’m sorry, I am. But all you piece of shit fuckfaces know I’m telling the truth. You’re all evil minions of George Soros and Barack Black Guy Obama, and you know it. The point is, though, that American patriots know Donald Trump has the unique business skills he needs to run this country into the ground with the same tenacity as he killed five other businesses. Wait. What? Oh, right. FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS FAKE NEWS!”
At the time of publication, Conway was still doing laps around the White House lawn shouting “FAKE NEWS!” at everyone.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.