WASHINGTON, D.C. — If there’s one thing Americans have learned about their dear president, it’s that he’s usually very reticent to talk about himself, or to draw attention to himself in any way. This likely came as no surprise to people who followed Donald Trump the business mogul, university dean of admissions, casino magnate, or reality-TV game show host. In all facets of his life, Trump has always been a mild-mannered man who would prefer to share the spotlight and credit for hard work.
Precisely because he’s been so reluctant to draw attention to himself his entire life, President Trump seemed to really shock the reporters, and indeed commenters online, when he ran what looked and felt like a full-blown campaign ad during yesterday’s coronavirus task force briefing. The ad played up the actions taken by the Trump administration to combat the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak. Curiously, the usually honest, forthright, and transparent Trump administration didn’t include any clips from the months prior to March, when it’s now know that Trump started receiving intelligence and other reports warning about the grave threat COVID-19 posed to the country’s healthcare and economic systems.
The reaction to his unexpected display of self-centered bombast was clearly weighing heavily on President Trump as he was spotted skulking around the White House lawn this morning. After doing three or four laps around the grounds, an out of breath Trump stopped in front of the White House and the press pool that was anxiously waiting to ask him some questions. When the subject of the pseudo-campaign video from yesterday’s briefing came up, Trump lashed out at reporters in another unusual display of behavior from the normally calm and good tempered president who understands the vital role in a free press helping to hold him accountable to the American people.
Trump not only attacked the media, he also defended his decision to turn the first hour or so of yesterday’s briefing into a de facto campaign event.
“Look, some people have said it looked like I was just out there to suck my own dick, as if that’s a bad thing for a president to do in the first place,” Trump shouted, “and I don’t know about all that. I will say, though, that our country is doing a tremendous job on the whole in flattening out that curve of infection. Doctors and nurses are saving hundreds of lives each day. I can’t say for certain, or maybe I can…I probably can say for certain, I mean, hey, I’m president, right? Anyway, I think I can say this — how many fewer lives could these brave people save if I wasn’t sucking my own dick every day, huh?”
A defiant Trump belabored the point some more.
“No, I mean, really think about it. What more could I do, realistically, than suck my own dick in front of the cameras, on the taxpayers’ dime,” Trump asked belligerently. “You tell me right now! Some might argue, and I’m bigly inclined to agree, that me trying to put my penis in my own mouth is my greatest strength! And some people — you don’t know them because they don’t go to school here — have told me that they don’t think these so-called doctors or alleged nurses could save nearly as many lives if I wasn’t out there, on the front lines of the White House briefing room, putting all my effort into cramming as much of genitals — which are very normal sized and shaped, by the way — into my face hole.”
President Trump assailed the press for “choosing to ignore the good” that comes from his self-felatio. He said that reporters “just hate” him and that they’re “all a bunch of Never-Trumpers.” Trump demanded that the press should give him “credit for the stuff even a drunk orangutan could do right” and stop focusing on “literally everything else that [he] fucks-up.”
“Why can’t you fake news jerks at least give me credit for the stuff that a drunk orangutan can get right? Would it be so hard for you to acknowledge me doing the literal bare minimum,” Trump demanded. “You’re just all so mean, and rude, and nasty, to ask questions of me that you’d ask other presidents.”
Trump insists he will keep shoving his dick into his mouth “whenever and wherever” he pleases. However, that’s mostly because he can’t quite seem to succeed at it, he said. Despite trying for over 70 years to get his penis into his own mouth, he’s always “encountered obstacles” that have kept from accomplishing it.
“If I could just find it when I get my head down there, I think I could get it in my mouth,” Trump supposed, while reporters heaved and gagged at the mental image, “but every time I get all the way down into my crotch, it seems to disappear, and I end up with a mouth full of hay and straw that I think are my pubes. I’ll make it happen one day though, I’ll persevere. It’s just who I am. No need to thank me, though you probably should.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.