WASHINGTON, D.C. — The 2020 presidential election is now less than six months away while many parts of the country are seeing a strong enough resurgence of COVID-19 that they’re pausing or stopping their efforts to “re-open” their economies. One person who is clearly desperate to get as much of the country back to some version of pre-pandemic normal is President Donald J. Trump. It’s not a secret that the president’s re-election hopes are pinned largely to what he believes is his economic successes, despite many believing he essentially piggybacked on, and took credit for, much of the work of his predecessor.
“President Trump has every right to take credit for what President Obama did,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters last week. “It continues the rich tradition of entitled, less than mediocre white men stealing stuff from superior black men. From jazz to rock and roll to hip hop, white people in this country have a unique talent for ripping off African Americans and not giving them any credit.”
Trump’s fears of losing his re-election bid have resulted in him making wildly unfounded claims that mail-in voting is rife with voter fraud. However, reporting shows that he, Ms. Ditzydick, Vice President Mike Pence and his beard, and even Attorney General William Barr all have used mail-in voting in recent years. There is no documented evidence to back up the claims about mail-in voting that the president and his team have been making.
While all of this drama has unfolded, intelligence agencies have been sounding the alarm that Russia is actively trying to interfere in the election, as they did in 2016, when they put in a considered effort to help Trump win. While Trump has not spoken publicly about Russia’s attempts to meddle this time around, this morning he did warn Americans to “be on the lookout” for his “enemies, haters, losers, and Never Trumpers conspiring against” him in the fall.
“Let me just say this, let me just say one thing,” President Trump told OAN reporter Jack Posobiec while the two browsed for strange pussy on the dating app Bumble. “First of all Jack, I love that you were trying to cheat on your pregnant wife on Bumble, got caught, and now are showing me how this dating app works! I love it!”
Posobiec grinned, and started to kneel down in front of the president.
“Oh! Jack! Jack! You don’t have to do that,” Trump assured Posobiec.
But Posobiec wasn’t sure if he was being tested.
“Are you sure, Mr. President? I really don’t mind it,” Posobiec said, kneeling down again. “I bet it tastes just fine, Mr. President. Ted and Lindsey tell me once I get to used to it, it won’t be so bad.”
Trump laughed so hard he filled his adult diaper.
“Jack! It’s not a problem, Ivanka’s gonna be coming by for a nooner — that’s what we call it when we get together around lunch time,” Trump said, “you know, to have lunch.”
“And to fuck. Anyway,” Trump said, “You want to know what I’m really worried about Jack? I’m worried that my enemies, my haters, are going to try and do an electoral coup on me. Do you know what that is?”
Posobiec indicated he wasn’t sure.
“An electoral coup is when they brazenly — and quite nastily and RUDELY if you ask me — vote for someone else other than me,” Trump explained. “The worst part is that SLEEPY PEEPY WEEPY TOE-TEEPY Joe Biden will get more votes than me! That will take me out of power, they say! I mean, Billy Barr is looking into whether I have the power, as president, to ignore election results if I don’t like them, but this is another attempted coup on me, Jack!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.