WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump proved his small-government, traditionally conservative values today when he signed an executive order demanding that private companies that run social media platforms treat him exactly the way he demands to be treated.
Trump was reportedly put into a frenzy when Twitter decided to exercise its terms of service and label two of Trump’s tweets as containing misleading information about mail-in voting. Despite the fact that Trump and his press secretary have voted in Florida via mail, Trump has taken to bashing vote-by-mail, insinuating without any evidence whatsoever that it leads to rampant fraud. When Twitter decided to put links to factual information about mail-in voting, Trump decided to put the federal government’s response to the global COVID-19 pandemic on pause so he could angrily boss around some nerds with computers.
Having just completed the signing of one executive order on social media, Trump seemed to surprise even his closest aides when he pulled out a cocktail napkin with the presidential seal on it, and told everyone in the Oval Office he had “one more, even biglier” order to sign today. This order was also related to social media companies, but with a much different scope and intent.
“I hereby order and demand that Twitter and Facebook and Instagram start being nice to me. Really, really, really nice,” Trump said as he dragged his giant crayon over the napkin. “They have to make me look attractive. That’s the big first part of this order.”
Trump paused for a moment. Some in the room wondered if he was thinking of what to say next. However, when his facial expression changed slightly and a loud noise was heard that sounded like someone ripping apart floppy stacks of bologna with a chainsaw, it was obvious that Trump had farted instead. Without Sarah Huckabee Sanders there to blame his fart on, however, Trump simply cupped his hand into his crotch and wafted at the reporters, laughing as he continued to speak.
“They not only have to make me look attractive, with normal-sized hands and genitals,” Trump insisted, “they have to make me not look incompetent. Any news articles that correctly chronicle my administration’s sluggish, ignorant, and woefully unprepared response to the CHINA VIRUS must be deleted. Any pictures of me that don’t show me in the most flattering light possible? DELETE THEM. Or I will send Jack Twitter and Mark Facebookberg to Gitmo, permanently.”
Questions about the legality of any of Trump’s social media orders were flying around Twitter and Facebook even before he signed any of them. Many believe this is a clear and obvious overstepping of the Constitution’s First Amendment, which does not force private companies to host any content against their wishes. Trump addressed those concerns as he signed his second order.
“Let me make myself very clear — Bill Barr says I can do this. He said that even though it might look like on paper that the founders established a government without royalty,” Trump explained, “I’m royally fucking awesome, and therefore as a Republican president, I am fully full-on allowed to do literally anything I want. So that’s what I decided to do.”
Sen. Ted Cruz, a Texas Republican and former political rival of Trump’s lauded his efforts to “put constraints on the free market.”
“Of course it seems like we conservatives are selling out our principles to serve our cult leader,” Cruz admitted. “But as soon as the president finishes and hands me the towel to clean my chin off, I will explain to you why that’s so wrong, and also why his new order lets me sue you for even thinking about whether I’m a ball-less little bitch.”
A spokesperson for Twitter called the new order “over the top” and “confusing.”
“What we don’t understand is how we’re supposed to make things that aren’t true become true,” Jillian Tortemeyer of Twitter said in a statement. “We will do our best to adhere to this order, however we are not miracle workers, and we cannot make the sky turn purple, or the president’s genitals turn into normal looking human genitals.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.