Trump Demands to Know Which Asshole Botched Covid So Bad He Got It

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States and his wife Melania have tested positive for COVID-19.

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In a tweet sent late last night, Donald Trump announced that he and his wife had tested positive for the novel coronavirus. It was the second major covid-related announcement to come from the White House about someone in the administration testing positive. Just before Trump announced he and Melania have Covid, it was announced that Hope Hicks — one of the president’s closest aides — had been the one to expose the West Wing to the virus.

By this morning, however, it seems that the president had become angry about his diagnosis. According to several sources close to Trump, he lashed out repeatedly at breakfast this morning. As he sat in bed with his First Lady, he was yelling so loudly that he could be heard across the street from the White House.

“How the fucking fuck did this happen to me, Vanky Baby? I tried so not-hard and did so close to nothing to protect myself from it,” Trump shouted. “I held packed rallies. I went around with a mask — which I made fun of Sleepy Po-Peepy Biden for wearing! I’m shocked and angry and confused about how I could literally do nothing except flout the advice of trained medical professionals and still end up with this disease!”

The president is convinced that “someone fucked-up royally” and that’s why he came down with covid.

“Which asshole botched the job? Which son of a bitch fucked-up? Because someone fucked-up royally,” Trump yelled. “I see other countries reporting zero new covid cases now. What the fuck? Why isn’t that happening here, in America? Who the hell is in charge around this shithole anyway?”

Apparently, nobody in the White House has felt it was wise to answer the president truthfully. Some aides have been just avoiding him all morning. Others, however, have tried something they’ve seen work in the past with him before — deflection and lying.

“Some of his staff have been telling him it was Antifa’s fault he got covid,” one source told us, “and others have told him it was the President of Puerto Rico’s fault. So far, he hasn’t caught on to being told many different things. He just seems committed to not blaming himself or his callous disregard for the virus at all costs.”

It’s unclear at this time just how far the White House covid-19 outbreak has spread. Vice President High Priest Pence and his beard Karen have tested negative. There’s been no official announcement regarding Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick or some other key Trump officials. White House medical teams did confirm that Trump was already diagnosed with a different disease just days before his covid diagnosis was confirmed.

“This morning, we confirmed that the the president is currently dealing with two different infections,” White House Dr. Benson Hornaydieux announced. “Covid-19, as you’re all aware by now, but also the dumbfuck flu. He’s still got it. He’s had it for as far as we can tell at least 50 years. There is a cure for dumbfuck flu, but it’s shutting up, listening to people smarter than you, and reading a book every now and again, so we don’t expect the president will be recovering from dumbfuck flu any time soon, no matter how quickly he convalesces from covid.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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