WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, former Massachusetts governor, failed 2012 Republican presidential candidate, and all-around nice robot Mitt Romney announced his candidacy for outgoing Utah Senator Orin Hatch’s seat. Hatch announced earlier this year he would not seek re-election, and Mr. Romney has thrown his hat into the ring for it. It was unclear initially how much Romney would run away from, or embrace, the specter of Donald Trump, but within a few hours, those questions were answered.
Despite their contentious, sometimes publicly fraught relationship, which has seen Romney take Trump to task for his “shithole” comments, the president reached out with an olive branch via Twitter. Trump endorsed Romney’s candidacy, calling him a “worthy successor” to Hatch, and giving him his “full support.”
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 20, 2018
It didn’t take long for Mr. Romney to respond to Trump’s endorsement. Despite the tension and animus between the two wealthy white men in their past, Romney seemed willing and able to let bygones be bygones in the name of political expedience. He thanked Trump for his endorsement and said he hopes to “earn the support and endorsement” of Utah voters.
Thank you Mr. President for the support. I hope that over the course of the campaign I also earn the support and endorsement of the people of Utah.
— Mitt Romney (@MittRomney) February 20, 2018
According to sources within the White House this morning President Trump personally called Mr. Romney to talk strategy for the Utah election, and to reaffirm his endorsement, as well as make a “very bigly special offer” to him.
“Mitt! Great to talk to you,” Trump said. “First, Mitt, thanks for accepting my endorsement. I know it’s probably hard for a guy who ran for president twice and lost twice to see a guy like me win it, but hey, politics makes for strange bedfellows, am I right? Anyway, Mitty, just wanted to say, again, I am totally with you, as long as you don’t start to tank in the polls. Then, you understand, I’ll distance myself from you, but until then, let me ride them magic Mormon coattails, my friend!”
Mr. Romney again thanked Trump for his support, and said he looked forward to working together to advance a “truly conservative” agenda for America. Trump, farting very loudly, said he was totally on board with whatever the fuck it was that Romney had just said, making a masturbation gesture to Stephen Miller, who was in the corner in his coffin, giggling.
“Anyway, Mitt, not only do I want to be able to take credit for what should be a pretty easy win for you,” Trump said. “I also want to make you an offer, that I think you’ll not only appreciate, but probably owe me bigly for later down the line.”
Romney said he was “interested” in hearing Trump’s proposal.
“I understand you’ve got some binders full of women,” Trump said. “I like that, tremendously. So, you know, you scratch my back, and I’ll totally grab your binders by the pussy.”
Former Governor Romney reportedly didn’t seem to know how to respond to Trump. He told the president it was an “interesting idea” and one that he’d mull over with his advisers. Trump reiterated how good he’d be at it, and told Romney he’d “move on those binders like a bitch.”
“Okay, well, thanks Mr. President, I have to go now, bye,” Romney said, abruptly ending the conversation.
With another satisfying fart, Trump hung up the phone on his end. He pressed the button on his desk that alerts his staff to his need of another Diet Coke. Within minutes, he was drinking a fresh one, and retweeting white supremacists.
This is a developing story.