WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, in an Oval Office signing ceremony attended by American Christian luminaries like David Duke and the Westboro Baptist Church, President Donald Trump ordered the word Hanukkah to be given one more additional “K.”
According to sources close to Trump, who spoke to the media on condition of anonymity and Chick-Fil-A gift cards, the president has become increasingly paranoid about his historically low approval ratings. As of the time of publication, the Gallup presidential approval poll — the longest running of its kind — President Trump enjoys a 35% approval rating, which while up a couple points from the rock bottom he’s hit, is still a big challenge for any president to overcome.
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Reportedly, President Trump and his team believe that shoring up his base, inspiring the roughly three or four people out of ten that still support him to go out and make their voices heard on social media and on traditional media outlets, is of paramount concern.
“Without our base, the reality of the Trump presidency — that it came about because the Electoral College is still a thing and most people generally hate him, will become far too obvious for us to deny any longer,” one source told us. “So we knew we needed to latch onto a subject that would fire up the people who still see our Lord God Emperor Fuhrer King as the savior of America.”
So, Trump and his team decided the War on Christmas was where they should strike a blow for “modern Republican values,” and also to, as he put it, “make Jew Christmas great again.”
“In signing this proclamation, I am helping to make Jew Christmas great again,” Trump said. “Because for starters, words that have more letters are more betterer than short words. Everyone knows that. Secondly, when my supporters see that new K in there, it might actually inspire them to respect Jews. Maybe it’ll help heal a little bit of the divide in this country. Who knows? It’s worth a shot right?”
Trump said that this move will also be a “decisive victory” against those who “try to make Christmas less important.”
“You know, Christmas used to mean something in this country. We used to celebrate it really hard,” Trump said. “But now, I got into a store in the middle of July and I don’t see Christmas decorations. I have to wait until at least mid-September for that. Christmas needs to be bigly important or the terrorists win, people.”
Steve Bannon, reached for comment, cackled so hard the gates of Hell opened up.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.