WASHINGTON, D.C. — In 1862, as the country fought in pitched battle during the Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln, the first Republican president, signed the Emancipation Proclamation, ending via executive order the practice of slavery in the south. Today, the most recently elected Republican President of the United States of America issued what some in his cult are calling the most important presidential decree in history, however it nothing to do with slavery, or any issue impacting anybody outside of the president himself.
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“On this day, I sign this Constipation Proclamation,” Trump said in the Rose Garden this morning, “and declare here, and in front of the world, that I’m having a hard time making a poo.”
Trump divulged that because he has such a “bigly expensive Adderall habit,” he has developed a few side effects. Notably, Americans might remember seeing the president sniffling through a speech, or might notice him slurring his words. Apparently, Trump believes that his Adderall usage might be the reason he can’t poop currently.
“I’ve heard people addicted to narcotics sometimes have a hard time passing a dookie,” Trump said, “so I can only assume my sweet, sweet Adderall is the reason I can’t take a big ol’ dumperoony right now, and that makes me pretty bummed out.”
There are no readily researched records of presidential constipation to this point. However, in 1971, The New York Times published an article about then-President Richard M. Nixon having “extremely wet, smelly, stingy, fiery diarrhea” after eating some of the first ever Mexican Pizzas offered by Taco Bell.
“I’ve pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and nothing comes out! Last night I spent three hours on the john, retweeting the NRA,” Trump said, “and I couldn’t get even the tiniest pebble of poop to come out of my butt! I had Ivanka check, and she said it didn’t look any different than normal, so I am very confused how this is happening, and kinda scared, and miss my mommy! She used to rub my tum-tum and tell me one of the colored people who worked for us would be in to squeeze the shits out of my gut.”
After a brief signing ceremony, Trump got up from the table at which he was seated to sign his Constipation Proclamation. He started wincing, and complaining that he felt “something” happening in his colon. Sudden, Trump’s pants split at the seam in the pants, and a shit-covered Sen. Lindsey Graham fell out. Secret Service agents rushed to the president’s side.
“Lindsey! Lindsey! That’s where you were! I was trying to call you last night, and was wondering why I kept hearing a phone ringing from my butthole,” Trump shouted with delight. “Oh, I’m so fuckin’ releived it was just you up there stopping up the shit – OH NO!”
Without any warning, a torrent of McDonald’s-scented feces flew from the president’s ass cheeks at terminal velocity. Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick was slathered in a thin coating of presidential poo-poo as the back-spray ricocheted off the concrete and into her face. Witness noted, however, that her shit-covered face was a vast improvement from what it normally looks like.
“GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE,” the president howled as aides and more Secret Service agents hurried him back toward the White House, a constant flow of fecal matter dumping from his anus all along the way.
Scholars note this is the least disgusting way Trump has shit all over the White House since he took office in January of 2017.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.