WASHINGTON, D.C. — Outwardly, the President of the United States of America is doing what he’s done his whole life — projecting a reality that might not be quite real, as it were. Privately, sources are reporting that President Trump is becoming cagey and desperate, realizing that he could in fact lose to former Vice President Joe Biden. Reportedly, Trump’s children have been privately convinced that their father will lose, and this weekend three of his four adult children sat him down to have a sobering talk with their dad.
“Daddy! Is it time? Should we start thinking about what we’re going to do when you’re not President Daddy,” asked First Lady Ivanka Trump this weekend while onboard Air Force One, according to several highly-placed sources. “You lived a long time not being president, and I hope you live a long time not being president. So maybe we should start thinking about this family’s future, Daddy?”
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A somewhat despondent President Trump looked up at his daughter and gnawed absently at a piece of fried chicken he calls his “thinkin’ drumstick.”
“Yeah, Diddums, we love you, and we are, like, totally convinced you’re gonna win no matter what,” Donald Trump Junior chimed in. “Because Billy Barr is smart and he’s gonna find a way to get it done. But, you know, just in case he lets us down like he did with Durham, we should have some kind of plan, right? We should have some kind exit strategy.”
President Trump again just looked up at his kids and chewed on the thinkin’ drumstick. It was Eric’s turn to speak now.
“IT MY TURN TALK, DADDY,” Eric shouted. “IT MY TURN!”
Trump patted Eric on his head.
“Yes, good job, son. Quite good,” President Trump assured Eric. “As always, Eric, very smart.”
Apparently, Ivanka and Donald Jr. are becoming increasingly convinced that there’s a chance their father could lose the election. As such, they’ve been hinting to the president that he may want to “start packing his things,” one source said. The president’s children have also apparently also suggested their dad ask his staff to start removing things from the White House, even if Trump doesn’t technically own them.
“Daddy, there’s a lot of eh-spensive looking forks and knives in this stupid place,” Trump Jr. was heard telling his father, “why can’t we just take it? Like, it looks like it’s prolly worth something, and we could prolly sell it somewhere! If we take them out before you’re not rilly pres-o-dent anymore, they can’t say shit!”
Trump Jr. bent over the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and sucked up a six-inch long, two inch high line of coke into his nostrils.
“WOO! Let’s steal some spoons, motherfuckers,” Trump Jr. shouted as played with his nose. “Fuck ’em if they can’t deal with it!”
That’s when Ivanka Trump experienced what doctors have tried multiple times to explain to her is a “thought.” It still frightened her at first, when it appeared in her brain, but she recovered quickly enough and got her dad’s attention.
“President Daddy! I know! What about all the copper wiring,” Ivanka asked. “Can we take all that with us too? I bet we could sell that too!”
President Trump, however, was not ready to concede anything.
“You want me to give up? Now? In our hour of triumph,” Trump asked angrily. “I think you overestimate their chances! No, we will continue on, as if nothing is at all the matter, until the bitter end, and lie to ourselves and our followers about reality, like we always do, children.”
Then, Trump had his own version of a “thought,” and farted loudly as it formed in his brain.
“But if you guys want to start wrapping up dishes in the Lincoln Bedroom’s sheets,” Trump suggested, “and take them to the Trump hotel down the street for safekeeping, I won’t stop ya.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.