Trump to Also Give Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Oxycontin and Racism

WASHINGTON., D.C. — Last night, President Donald J. Trump delivered his third, and potentially final State of the Union address on the very same floor of the House of Representatives that voted just a few weeks ago to pass two articles of impeachment against him. While it seems inevitable that the Republican majority in the Senate will get Trump the acquittal he desperately wants and needs on the impeachment articles, the State of the Union address was not without its moments of political theater and high drama. President Trump refused to shake Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi’s hand before delivering his speech, and in turn she returned the insult by tearing up his speech when he’d concluded, only a mere few feet from his turned back.

Another moment of high drama came when Trump gave the Presidential Medal of Freedom to arch conservative commentator and talk radio host Rush Limbaugh. While the move looked to many to come right out of a reality-TV show, something the president is quite accustomed to producing, this morning President Trump told reporters he wasn’t done giving the radio host awards or medals. In fact, Trump announced the creation of a brand new presidential medal, which he says will be named in Limbaugh’s honor, and Rush will receive the inaugural award at an upcoming dinner hosted at Mar-a-Lago.

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“I am bigly honored and proud to announce that I will be giving him the Rush Limbaugh Presidential Medal of Oxycontin and Racism, sometime in the coming weeks,” Trump shouted at reporters as he paced around the White House lawn. “If you can name me one person — one single, solitary person — who has done more for the cause of Oxycontin addiction or racism, I would be shocked!”

Trump said he “feels a certain bond” with Limbaugh.

“He’s addicted to oxy, I’m addicted to Adderall,” Trump explained. “His addiction made him lose his hearing, and I’m a tone deaf egomaniac. He’s a racist who says racist things and I’m a racist who says racist things. Frankly, there have been times I wake up wondering if we’ve somehow been swapped into each other’s bodies, like in those movies from the 1980’s. But then I remember I’m probably just coming down off a wicked Adderall binge, and I drink a 2-liter of Diet Coke, rub my temples a few times, and go back to bed.”

In the future, those who win the award will need to meet “certain very bigly big criteria” in order to qualify for the medal, Trump announced. He said it’s “not for cucks,” but for “real, patriotic Americans” who “pledge an undying oath to the Republican Party” and also to himself. However, future recipients will need to possess very Limbaugh-esque traits to even be considered, Trump announced.

“I don’t wanna just give it to racists. I surround myself with so many all I’d be doing all day is handing out these medals,” Trump said, “and I don’t wanna give it to people just because they’re addicted to pharmaceuticals, because then I’d just be giving myself the medal all the time, and I’m already super busy trying to get my dick into my own mouth most of the time. So it’s going to need to be someone who is racist and addicted to prescription pills. Preferably someone rich and white, too. And, you know what? If they can have a radio show where they convince other people to be racist and stupid for thirty years, that’ll cinch it for them, I believe.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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