WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that he has decided to hire and “personally not pay for” a private detective to locate and destroy the Russian birth certificate belonging to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
“I had no idea when I decided to run for president, and won, I don’t know if you all know that, but I won, I’m president, isn’t that great? Anyway, the point is I won,” Trump said, sitting there for a good solid few seconds before realizing there was more to what he was going to say, “and the point is when I announced that I was going to run, I had no idea that Mitch was born in Russia, but over time, that’s what I’ve come to understand.”
While seated behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, Trump explained why he believes that McConnell is, in fact, actually Russian.
“Apparently our intelligence agencies say that Russia hacked our election back in 2016, you know, the year everything changed for the better and your favorite president was elected? Anyway,” Trump said, “usually when a hostile foreign power attacks you, it’s not a partisan issue to take preventative measures to try and stop another attack. But ol’ Cocaine Mitch has decided, instead, to not lift a finger. I knew when he blocked not one, but TWO bills that were supposed to help make our elections more secure that there had to be more to this story.”
Last week, former FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller testified before the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees and answered limited questions about his report on the 2016 election. Mueller made it clear under no uncertain terms that Russia’s efforts to undermine America’s elections are still ongoing and sweeping. Democratic lawmakers moved quickly to propose amendments and bills that would shore up the nation’s electoral defenses. McConnell blocked both, criticizing them as being partisan in nature.
“He’s gotta be Russian! He’s just gotta be. I mean, surely my boss, Vladdy P, is going to be super pleased with Mitch keeping our elections as vulnerable as they were before,” Trump explained. “So there have to be a long form Russian birth certificate out there for Mitch, and I’m gonna find it!”
But once he does find it, Trump says McConnell’s Russian birth forms must be destroyed immediately.
“For the good of the land, you see, for the good of the land,” Trump explained. “We can’t have too many questions out there. Too many questions means answers, which means truth, which means facts, and frankly facts offend me. If they don’t offend you, I guess you have to ask yourself why you hate freedom and America.”
This, of course, is not the first time Mr. Trump has hired someone to track down a birth certificate.
“I hired someone to track down my First Lady’s birth certificate,” Trump acknowledged when asked, “because I just wanted to make sure she really is my daughter. Because DAYUM SON, you know what I mean? I’d tap that like a keg at a frat party one of my sons is date raping a girl at!”
Another Story: McConnell Assures Public He’ll Secure 2020 Election Just As Soon As Putin Says He Can
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”