WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, former President Barack Obama endorsed the presidential campaign of his Vice President, Joe Biden. In a video more than ten minutes in duration, Obama made the case for Americans who oppose Donald Trump’s administration to unite behind Biden. Obama, without mentioning him by name, hit Trump for his actions and demeanor throughout his first term as president, and specifically for his administration’s response to the COVID-19 outbreak. Biden, argued Obama, will be much better suited to handle the challenge of rebuilding the nation’s economy in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic.
President Trump, however, told reporters that he doesn’t “accept” Obama’s endorsement of Biden, and won’t until his predecessor “provides certain legal documents” to the White House.
“I’m told Previous Black, as I call him, endorsed SLEEPY JOE BIDEN yesterday, yes, I heard that,” Trump said as he stalked around the White House lawn, pulling his bunched underpants out from his backside as he spoke. “But I don’t accept it. I won’t accept it. Joe can accept it if he wants, but I won’t. Not until Obama releases his long form endorsement of Biden.”
Trump said he’s “happy for” Biden, and that he doesn’t deny that “someone who looks like Previous Black” released a video endorsement of him. However, Trump just does not believe that the endorsement is authentic. Not until he’s seen the long form, written version of the endorsement, that is.
“I’m just saying I don’t consider it a real presidential endorsement until I see it,” Trump explained, “that’s all.”
Reportedly, Mr. Trump has decided to hire his old friend, former Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio to ascertain the veracity of the video Obama released on his social media channels yesterday. Arpaio received a pardon on federal charges from Trump, and the president says that now it’s time for Sheriff Joe to “pay the piper.” Trump says he’s tasked Arpaio with getting to the bottom of Obama’s alleged endorsement of Biden, no matter the cost, and no matter where the hunt leads him.
“Joe could end up in Kenya, he could end up at McDonald’s picking up my chicky-nug-nugs,” Trump shrugged. “We’ll just have to see where the alternative facts, made-up data, and fictional truths lead us, won’t we?”
Rep. Devin Nunes (R-Trump’s Bunghole) told Fox News host Laura Ingraham on her radio show today that he is “bigly impressed” with Trump’s “take charge attitude” on the Biden endorsement. Nunes said Obama’s so-called endorsement is “prolly related to Benghazi, FISA, abuse, or just being a Democrat and therefore satanic.” Nunes praised praised Trump for “putting his ego right where it belongs, front and center.”
“I fully support a presidential inquest into this matter, and frankly if Nancy Pelosi were doing her job, she’d open up a full-blown Benghazi style investigation in the House, too,” Nunes told Ingraham. “We need to get to the bottom of this. Is it as bad as his tan suit? The mustard on a hamburger? We’ll never know until we grill the living hell out of everyone involved.”
In the Senate, where Republicans still cling to a majority, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) said he will direct Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Taint) to start holding hearings in the Senate Obsequiousness and Servilitude Committee to “determine if the president’s ego has been damaged in any way,” and to “hold those who took part in this injurious assault on his feelings forever accountable.” McConnell said the Senate will “put a pin in everything” until Graham’s hearings are conducted.
“The bottom line is that we’ve all known for years one inescapable fact,” McConnell said via Skype in a weekly call with reporters, “and that’s that the man known as Barack Obama is really a secret Kenyan communist who worships both Satan and George Soros. We’d be doing this great country a disservice if we didn’t spend millions of dollars investigating who really endorsed Joe Biden yesterday, and I will die on the hill gladly.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.