WASHINGTON, D.C. — It’s not a well-kept secret on the Hill that the abysmal attendance at his Tulsa rally over the weekend left President Donald Trump feeling deflated, and quite angry. While the world awaits news about whether he’ll fire any or all of his campaign staff, President Trump has been desperate to find any reason to explain why the number of people who did show up to hear him ramble semi-coherently and tell vaguely coded racist jokes fell far, far short of expectations. One reason he’s grabbed ahold of, according to several sources within the White House, is that he was hexed by what he’s calling “the most evil, DARKEST wizard of all time,” according to our source.
“The president has expressed a belief that his Tulsa rally was cursed by former President Barack Hussein Obama,” the White House source told us in an email. “It’s been widely known among true American patriots who read venerable bastions of journalistic integrity like Breitbart and InfoWars that Obama is a secret Kenyan Sharia cleric, and that he tried to use his powers to wipe ‘In God We Trust’ off our currency. Now, President Trump is convinced his Tulsa rally was the victim of a cruel, mean, nasty Sharia Antifa hex, and it’s obvious who cast the spell.”
President Trump has apparently received several DMs on Twitter from various devotees of the Q-Anon conspiracy indicating that former President Obama put the curse on Trump’s rally. Trump, who has a habit of retweeting some of these users, no matter how obscure they may be, is reportedly convinced that those rumors “simply must be true,” according to our source. Attempting to explain the lack of attendance at the rally, Trump believes that it’s not his support that has waned, but that it’s Obama’s “dark voodoo powers” that have amplified exponentially since he left office.
“Clearly everything that has gone wrong during our Dear President’s great time in office has been President Obama’s fault,” White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters on the White House lawn this morning, “and that means everything. Clearly Obama personally spied on the president through some secretly placed cameras in microwaves and the such, but Obama also put several Sharia hexes on the president before leaving the White House, and President Trump has tried his best to vanquish those curses throughout his first of what we hope will be sixteen terms.”
Trump, McDitzydick announced, is ready to “concede that Barry Soetoro bested him” this time, however she also divulged that Trump has “called in the big guns” to help him ensure future rallies are not vexed by a sharia curse. The president has called together a “super team of anti-socialist Democrat powerhouses,” and he intends to bring the full force of their knowledge to bear on the task of keeping his future klanpaign rallies safe from Obama’s interference.
“The president has asked Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell Jr, and Mike ‘Father of Dog Killers and Dogs’ Huckabee to give him several Christian counter-curses,” McDitzyDick said. “He also plans to have his High Czar of Raw Foods and Woo, Dr. David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe, cast several cleansing spells over every future rally site, and from now on, a crew will burn sage for a week before every gathering, just to make sure we have successfully saged, and prayed, the Muslim away.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.