Saturday, July 31, 2021

Trump Promises to Attach Obamagate Evidence to Obama’s Kenyan Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump is extremely concerned and hyper-focused on what is perhaps the most pressing and urgent matter facing every American today. Not the COVID-19 pandemic, nor the economic recovery that will be needed most necessarily to climb out of the hole created in the economy by ongoing coronavirus lockdowns. Rather, he’s focused like a laser on a far more important subject — Obamagate.

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What’s Obamagate? At the very least, it’s the subject that brought out the exceedingly rare from President Trump. Namely, a vague, all-caps tweet without any further context other than a video clip shared from a mostly favorable propaganda/news network.

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The president hasn’t shared many details. Only that former President Obama committed a crime. He’s been asked for the details and the specific crime, but has not — thus far, provided those details. Trump has also not elucidated what his charges against Obama are.

“Of course I know what crime is that he committed! How dare you imply I’m just wildly throwing shit against the wall and hoping it sticks,” Trump berated reporters as he paced on the White House lawn, unmasked, spittle flying from his face. “Look, as soon as Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and that weird guy on OAN who tried to fuck other women on Bumble while his wife was pregnant, tell me what the crime was, then I’ll tell you. These are some the brightest legal scholars to never attend a single class in law school! Why would they lie to me?!”

During a contentious press event meant to celebrate the country’s coronavirus testing capabilities, President Trump was questioned about what he meant when he tweeted an accusation that President Barack Obama had committed a crime. Trump’s response was to shout the word “Obamagate.” When he was pressed further as to what crime, exactly, he was alleging that Obama had committed, Trump gave a curt response.

“You know what the crime is. The crime is very obvious to everybody, all you have to do is read the newspapers.” (Politico)

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That answer might have satisfied the American patriots who understand every word a president says is truth, provided they’re a Republican, it didn’t seem to satisfy reporters. They asked Mr. Trump during his morning exercise and tirade routine if he planned to give any evidence of the crimes he believes Obama committed. Trump promised he’d provide “all the proof you bullshit-ass enemies of the press are so-called entitled to,” just as soon as it was “made up and given to” him.

“Hell-fuckin’-yes I’m gonna provide proof to you bitches. I’m gonna proof so hard all over your dumb faces you’ll think your name is Ivanka by the time I’m done,” Trump promised, “and when that evidence is manufactured and handed to me, I will attach them to the back of Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate — I keep all my very real things that totally exist in the same place — and ram it all down your throats and up your buittholes BECAUSE I AM GOD EMPEROR KING AND HOW DARE YOU QUESTION MY ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY?!”

The force with which Trump screamed had the effect of pushing an incredibly large and smelly amount of gas from his rectum. Eyewitness accounts are that his continual howling was so strong that soon it wasn’t just gas that was billowing from his butthole. Instead, a wet, hot, foamy stream of diarrhea seeped out.

This development left the Secret Service in the unenviable task of assessing whether they should be protecting the president, or the diarrhea analog of the president that just spewed out onto the White House lawn. Due to the overriding security concerns of the moment, President Trump, and his diarrhea puddle, were quickly pushed back into the White House, where it is being reported agents are trying to surmise if they are speaking to the turd puddle in a suit that has the nuclear launch codes, or the turd puddle that the turd puddle in a suit splurted forth from his anus.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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