WASHINGTON, D.C. — Within a matter of minutes after finding out that former half-term Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin and her husband Todd were getting a divorce after 31 years of marriage, the most powerful man in the world had sent a communique to her, offering a position in his “royal court.” The message, sent by way of his son-in-law’s back channel with Russia since it’s so close to Half-Gov. Palin’s backyard, offered a simple invitation.
“Dear Me With Titties,” the president’s tweet read, “do you wanna come be my Third First Lady? I already got permission from the first two. Well, First Lady Two doesn’t have to sign off on it but First Lady One does, but I’m sure Ivanka will be chill about it. She’s always been fly like that.”
The president, apparently under the impression he was sending Ms. Palin a direct message, which are private, continued to tweet public entreaties to her.
“Baby, I’ll treat you right. Just ask my First Lady. Well, the Ivanka one,” the president tweeted. “Don’t ask sour-puss Melania anything. Unless it’s what that President Macaroon guy’s aftershave smells like. She just has not stopped raving about him since we got back from the G-7. Ugh.”
For a solid thirty minutes, Trump tweeted, tweeted again, and tweeted some more.
“It was really something to watch,” one White House staffer told us. “I haven’t seen the president that motivated since he dropped an entire bucket of KFC on the bedroom floor. He just dived right in and was throwing out all the game he has.”
Trump told Palin he was “very rich, very powerful, and very famous,” which “entitles” him to “certain things.”
“Which of course you want to give me, because I’m a celebrity. A star, if you will,” Trump tweeted. “You kind of want me to grab you by your who-ha. Don’t lie. To me or yourself. Here, let me pop a Tic-Tac and we’ll get freak-nasty. Sound good, Boo?”
Historians that we contacted seemed to think that this would be the first time that a single sitting president had three First Ladies, though there is some disagreement, depending on which scholar you spoke to.
“Well, technically Thomas Jefferson was raping his slaves back in the day, so we’re not sure if he counted them as a full First Lady, or just three-fifths of one,” Dr. Henry Jones told us. “Still, it would definitely be the first time in the post-Civil War era it’s happened, that’s for sure.”
For her part, Ms. Palin hasn’t given any indication that she’s open to Trump’s advances. Speaking to reporters outside the courthouse where her soon to be ex-husband filed the paperwork for the divorce, Palin said she was “rilly, rilly honored and, like, blown away” by Trump’s offers. Palin said she wants to “check a few things out first” before making any commitments.
“Like, would I be entitled to all the privileges of a First Lady, such as sandwiches and teas and things,” Palin asked. “Would I get to help Donny decide which blue state to invade? Can I pick out the hurricanes to nuke? These are things I need to know before I make any decisions.”
Mr. Trump has deleted his tweets since earlier today. Reportedly, when the president was told that Ms. Palin is over 50 years old, he decided he’d “rather have two 30 year old idiots” instead.
“Though, if they were younger, and looked more like Ivanka, I wouldn’t complain,” Trump mused. “Just sayin’.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”