WASHINGTON, D.C. — The most prominent anti-corruption crusading president in American history issued pardons to eight people today, four of whom were convicted of public corruption charges. President Donald J. Trump’s legal team defended the his actions in the Ukraine investigation scandal largely on the grounds that he is tremendously anti-corruption. The president’s lawyers argued during his Senate impeachment trial that it was concerns about possible corruption in Ukraine that drove him to condition a White House meeting and hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars in lethal military aid until the new Ukrainian president agreed to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden and his son for corruption.
The argument made by Trump’s legal counsel seemed to work well enough, as his allies in Congress parroted his lawyers and, ultimately, acquitted Trump on both articles of impeachment. President Trump announced today, just before getting on Air Force One for California, that he was pardoning former Illinois Governor Rod R. Blagojevich, financier, Michael R. Milken, former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard B. Kerik, and Edward J. DeBartolo Jr.. who used to own the San Francisco 49er football club. All four of these men had been convicted on various charges of corruption.
Milken was a Wall Street “junk bond king” who was convicted of securities fraud, and lying to investors. His was the least politically-oriented of the men’s convictions, however. Mr. Blagojevich was convicted and sentenced to 14 years in prison for trying to sell President Barack Obama’s vacated seat in the U.S. Senate for personal gain. Kerik was convicted on charges of tax fraud and lying to White House officials. He is also a former bodyguard and chauffeur to Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani, which might look like corruption, were it not for the fact that President Trump is entirely against corruption and is even willing to risk impeachment to stop it.
Mr. DeBartolo was convicted on charges of bribery. He was found to have paid $400,000 to Edwin Edwards, a former governor of Louisiana in order to help him sway officials in the state into giving him a gambling license for his riverboat. For someone who has dedicated so much of public service to rooting out and stopping corruption of public officials, or “draining the swamp,” as he’s referred to it several times in the past, many found it curious that he’d pardon these four men among the eleven pardons Trump handed out today. However, Trump batted those concerns away as Air Force One jetted him to Los Angeles.
“What? What in the ever loving fuck are you enemies of the people even talking about? Pardoning that Blagopizza guy, and the football owner dude, and Rudy’s driver is totally on brand with my anti-corruption stance,” Trump said. “Now, you might ask me how, and I might tell you to go fuck yourself, but the most important thing is that it fits because I say it fits. If the president says it’s corrupt, it’s corrupt. If the president says it’s not corrupt, it’s not corrupt.”
Trump paused for a moment. He’d lost his train of thought. Right on cue, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham stumbled into view, and sources say one could smell the whiskey coming out of her pores. She handed the president a Diet Coke and a Bic Mac. With intensity, Trump swallowed the Big Mac in one bite, opened the Diet Coke, and guzzled it down in record time.
“Ahhh. That’s better. Donny thinky better now,” Trump said, tapping his head. “Anyway, where was I? Oh right, you see, I’m so anti-corruption that I thought it was a great idea to pardon four very corrupt people so they can hopefully go do more crimes, get caught, and then we’ll make example out of them, again. Then, I’ll pardon them again, let them go, they’ll do even more crimes, bing-bang-boom, another pardon, and the next thing you know, all I’m doing is pardoning these guys…”
The reporters on the plane started walking away.
“…and maybe Roger Stone and Paul Manafort,” Trump said, almost under his breath.
Trump was rushed by the press, microphones and recording devices outstretched.
“What? What did I say? I didn’t say anything,” Trump said, farting. “Also, I’m not farting right now…or now…or…now…or nnnnnnnnnooooooooowwwwwwwwww.”
A very smelly Air Force One landed on the west coast a couple of hours later.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.