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Thursday, September 21, 2023

January 6th Committee Interested in How Many Pizzas Trump Ordered on Burner Phone

The January 6th Committee announced last night that it is extremely interested in reports that the Trump family and select members of the former presidential administration used “burner” phones on the day of their failed insurrection, back in 2021. According to several sources close to the committee, members want to know what Trump and those carrying out his failed coup were discussing on the burner phones, but they’re also keen to get some other details about the calls Trump made on his burner phone.

“The committee members are all fairly certain that Trump and his allies relied on the burner phones to communicate during the Trump Steaks of Insurrections. It seems fairly obvious to anyone with a lukewarm IQ, so in other words, anyone not in MAGA Land,” one source is quoted in a new article published by D.C. Insiders Weekly. “Maybe it’s just out of morbid curiosity, but they want to know how many pizzas Don ordered during that time.”

MORE: Eric Trump in Hospital With Nearly Melted Hands Because Tried to Destroy His Burner Phone

Reporting this week has shown a potential lapse in the official White House call logs for the day, and more than seven hours are unaccounted for. Committee members believe there was likely some coup strategy being discussed, but they’re also convinced that Trump ordered at least twenty pizzas during that time.

“Reports are that he was going through a ton of paper plates and plastic forks, and everyone knows that’s how Don Trump eats his pizza pies,” Ken Wellington, a lobbyist with knowledge of the situation told us via Skype. “At the end of the day, I think they’re just trying to figure out if they need to send Don a bill for the pizzas he ordered, and how much that bill should be for. Apparently, if you’re in the middle of a coup attempt, failed or not, the law is very clear and you’re no longer allowed to expense your meals on the White House credit card.”

MORE: Texts Reveal Ginni Thomas Helped Meadows Steal Election and Get Trump’s McDonald’s Order


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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