Trump Demands Army Promote Him From Cadet To Major General Bone Spurs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Not long after completing his Veterans Day speech in New York City and flying back to the White House, a furious and outraged President Donald Trump picked up the red phone on the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and demanded that the Joint Chiefs of Staff meet immediately to discuss what Trump called a “bigly matter of yuge impotence” and “the biggest injustice in the military industrial complex.”

“You get everyone together right now. All the generals, you get convene them right away, you hear me,” Trump reportedly yelled into his phone. “We have to address something. It’s a bigly matter of yuge impotence. It’s so impotent, in fact, I need you guys to drop everything you’re working on for our never-ending war in Afghanistan and get to work on this issue right the fuck now!”

At issue? President Trump is still listed as a Cadet in the armed forces’ official rosters. As such, when Senator Tammy Duckworth, a Democrat from Illinois, and a multiple amputee veteran of the Iraq War, calls him “Cadet Bone Spurs,” Trump cannot call her a liar. Senator Duckworth’s final rank in the U.S. Army was Lieutenant Colonel, and as such she outranks Trump.

Senator Duckworth increased her criticisms of the president after he implied to a group of his supporters during a speech once that Democrats in Congress who didn’t cheer or clap for his State of the Union speech were possibly guilty of treason. Trump told his joint chiefs he was outraged by Duckworth’s comments. A promotion of rank would help quiet her down, he told them.

“I cannot be outranked by a Democrat! I refuse to accept it,” Trump bellowed at his joint chiefs.

Technically, the joint chiefs tried to placate Trump, he does outrank Duckworth considering he is the Commander in Chief. They did concede, however, that so very few people actually respect him, that it has become not much more than a title bearing little weight outside of Trump’s base. This is what concerned Trump most.

“Look, you have to give me a higher rank. You just have to. I need to be…Major General Bone Spurs, at least,” Trump said.

After a moment of contemplation Trump spoke again.

“Unless you guys have a God Emperor title you can bestow on me, of course,” Trump hinted. After the phone went silent, Trump got the hint. “Okay, I’ll just keep forcing my staff and Congressional Republicans to call me that in private, until we get that Constitutional amendment abolishing the Constitution and make it official. Works for me.”

Just then, the White House doctor entered the Oval Office. He told President Trump he had some great news for him. Trump, beaming, waved Dr. Jackson over to him.

“It turns out, you don’t have bone spurs, sir,” the doctor, who looked curiously like acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, said. “At least not that show up on any tests we can do at the current time. So, hey, I figure that ought to make you feel pretty great.”

Almost all the orange left Trump’s face. He broke out in a cold sweat. He started fumbling around in his desk for a Diet Coke he keeps there for emergencies. He opened it and drank it one, long, loud gulp.

“Does that mean…they can send me to Vietnam now? I can’t go to ‘Nam doc! I won’t go,” Trump said, shaking his head. “You can’t make me! I refuse!”

Staffers reassured the president. Kellyanne Conway told Trump the war in Vietnam was long over, and he was free to accept the doctor’s prognosis, without any fear of being asked to actually serve his country.

“Oh thank God, I did NOT get elected president to serve anyone but myself, least of which…this country,” Trump said with a shudder.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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