WASHINGTON, D.C. — This weekend, President Donald Trump spoke at CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — and gave a long-winded, rambling, often times off-script and freewheeling speech that lasted two full hours. CPAC is billed as the largest gathering of conservatives — a sort of ComicCon for people who would prefer it if social and economic policies ignored that the 20th century ever happened. To say that Trump was playing to his base would be quite an understatement.
Of late, Trump has been attempting to shore up his support as Democrats in the House open up new investigations into not only potential collusion with Russia in 2016, but into his business life, taxes, and other financial dealings. Democrats took back control of the lower chamber of Congress last year when Trump’s party took historic losses during the mid-terms. A total of 40 seats swung the Dem way, and they have wasted no time putting together hearings and probes on several issues they say Republicans ignored for the first two years of Trump’s tenure.
The Republican Party has been focusing their messaging on abortion of late, perhaps trying to stoke the flames of a culture war. Trump and his surrogates have taken to slamming Democrats for supporting “infanticide” and “post-birth abortions.” Medical professionals for the most part scoff at and dismiss those terms as emotionally charged rhetoric. As he was coming off the stage at CPAC, Trump was handed a “cool down Diet Coke and bucket of chicken,” which aides say helps bring the president back to a calmer state after one of his speeches.
Trump was seen by reporters and asked why he and his party have started hitting the abortion angle so hard of late. Trump admitted that while he was on the record as being pro-choice in the past, he has “found Jesus, or whoever,” and that he feels bad about every abortion he ever had to pay for. Every abortion that is, except the one he didn’t pay for, and now “greatly regrets.”
“Every single one of those abortions I paid for I feel bigly sad about,” Trump told reporters. “I could’ve had another kid! Another beautiful kid! Maybe another Ivanka! Ooh! A younger Ivanka! Fresh Ivanka…Crisp Ivanka…mmmm.”
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For about three minutes, Trump just stood there, rubbing his crotch area and mumbling “Ivanka” over and over. He pulled out a vial of crushed Adderall, poured some onto his smallish left hand, plugged his right nostril with the miniature fingers on his other hand, and snorted inward.
“Ahhh! That’s the good shit! The presidential shit! Anyway, when I think of all those potential little Trump babies running around now,” Trump said, “I almost regret telling all those broads I knocked up to handle it, if you know what I mean!”
Upon further reflection, however, Trump said there was one abortion he regrets the most.
“But you know what? The truth is I regret one abortion more than any of the other, many abortions, I’ve paid for,” Trump said. “Don Jr. I really really regret not paying for that one. Can you imagine how much easier this whole Trump Tower meeting thing would’ve been? Of all the abortions I paid for, why can’t I go back in time and trade one of those abortions for Junior? He has the worst judgment. Really. Always been the dumbest of all my crotch spawn. Even Erik is smarter, and Eric tries to microwave ice to make coffee for God’s sake!”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders would later tell the press that Trump was “misunderstood and misconstrued.” She was asked if the president was worried that admitting to paying for abortions would hurt his supporters, who are largely evangelical, pro-life Christians.
“Look, I don’t wanna get ahead of the president, but he can’t do anything to lose their support. Clearly the man is as morally fungible as his bank account is full of not-billions of dollars,” Huckabee said. “But the president misspoke, regardless. He didn’t pay for tons of abortions, because he doesn’t ever pay for anything. Duh, libtards. Duh.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.