World’s Toughest, Strongest Alpha Male Chickens Out of Second Debate With Biden

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the presidential debate commission announced that out of an abundance of concern for the health and safety of those participating and putting it on, the next scheduled debate between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden would be held in a virtual setting. The idea of some kind of remote debate is not new in American history. One of the debates between Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy during the 1960 campaign was held while one candidate was in Los Angeles and another was in New York.

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One thing that most Americans know about President Trump is that he is certifiably and undeniably the toughest, strongest alpha male to ever occupy the White House. He’s very like the toughest, strongest alpha male alive today, as well. However, as tough, strong, and alpha as he is, when President Trump got news that his next debate with Biden would be held virtually, he backed out of it.

“I’m not going to do a virtual debate,” Trump told Fox Business News, moments after the nonpartisan Commission on Presidential Debates announced the changes. (Yahoo!)

It’s unclear at this time how the Trump administration will attempt to maintain the president’s projected image of strength and courage in the face of turning tail and running from a debate. Trump indicated in the Fox Business interview that one of the reasons he didn’t want to do a virtual debate was that he could be cut off by the moderator at any time they want. Just a few moments after he concluded his interview this morning, Trump, who is still convalescing after being infected with Covid-19 and a short hospital stay last weekend, came out onto the White House balcony and screamed at reporters below.

“SLEEPY POE PEEPY BIDEN IS TOO SCARED TO FACE ME IN PERSON, SO I DECIDED TO BACK OUT FROM THE SECOND DEBATE,” Trump yelled down at the press pool, showering them with his infected spittle as he screamed. “BUT DON’T GET IT TWISTED! I AM NOT AT ALL SCARED AND THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE I REALIZED I WON’T BE ABLE TO JUST SHOUT ALL THE PSYCHOTIC SHIT I WANT TO WHILE JOE TRIES TO CALMLY MAKE A CASE FOR HIS ELECTION!”

It’s always a challenge to determine who won or lost a debate, and even opinion polls on the subject don’t always offer a definitive answer. However, regardless of how Trump feels he or his vice president have done in the two debates so far, he is emphatically against the idea of virtual debates. He explained himself further by screaming some more at the reporters on the White House lawn.

“IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DEBATE IN MY STYLE VIRTUALLY! I NEED TO BE ABLE TO BULLY AND INTIMIDATE AND SPEW BULLSHIT NON-STOP,” Trump explained. “THAT IS MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY MY RIGHT AS YOUR FOREVER PRESIDENT! THE DEBATE CUCK-MISSION IS TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT! SPEAKING OF STANDING, I HAVE TO GO LAY DOWN AND TWEET BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TOTALLY BEAT THE CHINA VIRUS FOR REALSIES, I AM VERY FATIGUED AND CAN’T BREATHE THAT WELL!”

Current polling shows Biden’s lead expanding nationally and in swing states.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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