WASHINGTON, D.C. — It might be hard for Americans to believe, but President Donald Trump wasn’t the the first president to use the phrase “Silent Majority.” That distinction belongs to former President Richard Nixon. When he used it, Nixon was referring to a large swath of the American electorate who simply don’t make their opinions known, but that generally agreed with his policies. President Trump has co-opted that phrase many dimes recently, calling on his own Silent Majority to rise up and show him the same overwhelming support Mr. Nixon claimed.
This morning, the president added his own wrinkle to the phrase, and said he was also counting on the support of another group of Americans he said “don’t get nearly enough attention from the FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE.”
“Folks, let me just tell you something, okay? Would you all please just shut your rude fucking pie holes for a moment so I can say something for once,” Trump shouted even though none of the reporters taking notes as he paced back and forth in the White House driveway were making a sound. “Thanks, that’s better. Would it kill you to be less rude and nasty with all your quotes and questions, you piece of rude, nasty, not even human shit? BE NICE TO ME!”
The force of yelling the last thing he said forced a fart out of Trump. He reflexively turned to scold former Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and send her to her dog bed in the Oval Office as punishment, but was disappointed to find Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick standing there instead, which was nice because as he’d later tell aides McDitzydick is “way, way hotter than Huckabee,” but was also disappointed he had no one to blame his fart on.
“She’s hot, this one,” Trump said, gesturing back toward his press secretary, “not Ivanka hot, of course, but pretty good. I just wish Sarah was here so I could blame my farts on her. She never said a peep about it either! One time, I even blew my o-ring right into my Depends, the wettest, most foul smelling toxic sludge came out of my asshole, which of course I blamed on Sarah, and SHE TOOK IT!”
Once more, speaking forcefully pushed a fart out of Trump. This time, however, he ordered the media to ignore it and not report on it. Then, he pressed on.
“The point that I’m trying to make is that I have all the majorities, okay? I have all of them,” Trump mused. “The silent AND the deadly one! In fact, you could say I’m the leader of the silent but deadly majority! You might not hear my people, but you damn sure will smell them coming!”
On her radio show, Fox News host Frau Lolo Ingraham praised Trump for his “brilliant phraseology” and “stunning vocabularic prowess.”
“Silent but deadly majority, Mr. President? That’s genius. I’m sorry,” Ingraham said while scrolling through pictures of children detained at the border, causing her normally arid genitals to flood with moisture, “but he might be the smartest genius to ever sit in the Oval Office, our Dear President. Here’s to 24 more years of Trump reign, just as the founders intended it to be!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.