Trump Demands Congress Strip NFL and Its Players of First Amendment Rights

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, President Donald Trump tweeted in anger about NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s decision not to punish players who chose to kneel or otherwise not stand when the National Anthem is played before games.

As he was leaving the White House for his routine morning coffee, doughnut, deep fried butter, and hot fudge sundae break this morning, President Trump was asked about that tweet, and he tried to offer some clarification.

“You know I love this country right? Of course I do. I love this country so much,” Trump started, “even its arcane system of government, this Constitution thingy. It’s really very arcane. Like, it gives people, just ordinary people, the right to say whatever they want about me. I mean, excuse me? I’m the emperor or whatever, why the shit are we giving people freedom to speak about me however they want?”

Trump continued his impromptu dissertation on constitutional rights.

“And that arcane constitution really should be reviewed, I think, by Congress,” Trump continued, “because why on Earth do we want people saying things about me that I don’t approve of? Why, I ask you, America, do we want uppity nig — excuse me, rich black urban athletes — peacefully taking a knee in protest of their people being murdered by cops? What’s next? Standing on a street corner with a protest sign?”

The president thought he was impressing people with his words, sources say, so he continued to vomit them.

“I mean, the more I think about it, shouldn’t they only be entitled to three-fifths of their Constitutional rights? That doesn’t make me racist to suggest that, by the way, it makes me a Constitutional Originalist,” Trump said.

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The president wondered aloud whether anyone needed freedom of speech unless he granted it to them.

“Hear me out here, fam,” Trump said, “I’m a rich white guy, right? So I have certain powers in this country already. Add to it that I’m now, like, this totally all-powerful presidentifying guy — and that’s all in the Constitution, look it up — and I think it makes a pretty strong legal case for me being the sole arbiter of what is legal or not.”

Reached for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) said he was “appalled” by Trump’s suggestion “in theory” but that he was taking a “wait and see” approach to them.

“As in, wait and see if the American people get so distracted with this crazy shit they aren’t paying attention when we rip away their Social Security, health insurance, and infrastructure improvements to give more money to defense contractors and our rich donors,” Ryan said.

This story is developing.

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