COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter Jethro Bohiggins makes no qualms about being a devout and proud supporter of President Donald Trump. Jethro told his audience earlier this year that he has “support for the MAGA agenda one hundred and eighty million percent.” Bohiggins has even made a yearly pilgrimage to one of the most sacred and hallowed places in America for a Trump supporter.
“Ever since our Dear President was elected and sworn in, each year I’ve made the trek to Bowling Green, Kentucky, to pay my respects to the fallen who only He was wise enough to recognize and honor,” Bohiggins once explained. “I’m hoping I can also start making yearly trips to another place we MAGA fans hold near and dear — the site where his dad fucked that bag of racist KKK pamphlets wrapped in a confederate flag and conceived him, but I’m still researching which lynching tree that happened at, fam.”
When the president suggested that a malaria drug — hydroxychloroquine — could be useful in battling coronavirus infections, despite professionals in the medical field strongly cautioning against it, Jethro took a clandestine trip into Canada and bought as much of the drug as he could. When Trump tweeted that protesters should “LIBERATE” certain states under Democratic governorship from their stay-at-home orders, Bohiggins drove his pickup to Michigan to join the protests there. All along the way, if Trump has made a suggestion or even just wondered aloud about something, Jethro has done everything he could to work that suggestion or ponderance into his daily life.
“So I went to my local WalMart last night — WITHOUT A FUCKING MASK BECAUSE I AIN’T GONNA CATCH THE HOAX, FAM — and I was looking for as much Lysol or Clorox as I could get my hands on,” Bohiggins said during the new episode of his podcast, just dropped today. “When my Dear President suggests something, I listen. He ain’t no Obama-type who’s telling me to go get health insurance like a commie cuck! He’s giving me what I can only presume is well-reasoned, educated medical advice, y’all!”
But as Jethro was shopping for bleach and disinfectant, he had what he described as a “horrible moment of panic” when he noticed that the shelves were bretty barren. Bohiggins was able to procure some bleach, but he’s not sure if he’ll enough to vaccinate himself against the coronavirus and for the rest of the household chores he needs it for. In particular, there’s an outfit he wears to weekly meetings that he says “simply must be kept pure, crisp, and white” at all times.
“It hit me as I was checking out with my bottle of bleach. Maybe I have enough to inocculate myself, but how much bleach am I gonna have left over,” Bohiggins said he wondered. “How am I gonna proteck myself from the ‘vid AND keep my robes extra white? Grand Wizard Darrell has made it very clear he is not happy when I show up to meetings and my robe and hood aren’t fresh, sparkling white.”
As a backup, Jethro said he turned right around and went back into the WalMart. He decided that, even though Dr. President Trump hadn’t prescribed it specifically, perhaps some other cleaning or disinfecting products could work to stop COVID-19. Bohiggins picked up a few more items and checked out.
“I have no idea if a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser will cure coronavirus, but if my president doesn’t gotta vet shit he says we should try,” Jethro explained, “then why the fuck should I have to? This is America, fam. and as much as Dear President is, technically, above the law thanks to the impeachment precedent, he ain’t no better than me or you. So I’m gonna prolly try to use the magic eraser on myself first, and save some bleach for my glorious robes. Until next time, fam, peace, and GOD BLESS MAGA!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.