COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and country music sensation Jethro Bohiggins is preparing to take his band out on the road in support of his new album, “Liberty, Guns, Freedom, and FireArms,” and told listeners to his show last night that he completely supports the decision of now former British Prime Minister Theresa May to step down. May chose to relinquish the reins of power yesterday after she failed once again to get the British parliament to back a plan that would successfully break the UK away from the European Union. Mr. Bohiggins says that he “likes Theresa May a whole lot,” but that she was “given ample time and couldn’t get ‘er done,” so she has to go.
“All I’m sayin’ is that she had plenty of of time to figure out how to make breakfast for everyone,” Bohiggins said. “I understand that there are a lot of people in the UK, okay? But after a couple of years, it was time for her for make a move.”
Bohiggins believes former PM May “just couldn’t think enough outside the box,” and that hamstrung her in terms of being able to provide breakfast foods for everyone.
“She could’ve made a big ol’ bowl of cereal, or maybe gotten a few million eggs together for a scramble. My family loves my scrambles I make,” Bohiggins said. “Hell, she could’ve fed them hot dogs and mac n’ cheese! Anything! After all those years in a position of power, she couldn’t figure out how to make a few million flapjacks? C’mon!”
Jethro hopes that whoever takes over the PM role now has the “stones and guts it takes” to get a breakfast deal done.
“Look, not everyone likes cinnamon rolls. Not everyone likes waffles. I get it. There are a lot of moving parts to this whole breakfast deal,” Jethro told his audience. “So you gotta get some people who maybe try a blintz. Maybe see if that crepe is your jam, know what I mean, fam? Because getting all those people to agree on one breakfast item is too much. They need a damn smorgasboard. I pray, for the sake of the people who voted to have breakfast three years ago now, that whoever takes over for Theresa May puts breakfast first. Because it’s the most important meal of the day, after all.”
Jethro will be seen all over the Confederate States of America this summer on his “Ramming My Freedoms and My Glock Down Your Throat” tour. His podcast can be heard within a few feet of his double-wide since he doesn’t technically own a computer or any audio recording equipment. But he’s usually home, so come on by and he’ll do a “podcast” for you, too.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.