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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Local Rube Looks Forward To Never Spending Money That Will Never Trickle Down To Him After GOP Tax Cuts

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing blogger, podcaster, and YouTube star Jethro Bohiggins is absolutely ecstatic about Senate Republicans hastily passing, on nearly the slimmest margin possible, sweeping tax cuts in the middle of the night, earlier this week.

“Now, I know that Obamacare had dozens of hearings and Democrats took ten months to reconcile it between the House and Senate, and in that period Republicans got to offer tons of amendments to the bill,” Bohiggins said, a stark departure from the usual Republican talking points about Democrats ramming it down America’s throat in the cover of night, “but everyone with a pulse and the knowledge that liberalism is literally a mental disease knows that tax cuts mean more than galling, brazen, craven hypocrisy, fam!”

Mr. Bohiggins admitted that the likelihood of someone like him, who makes less than $20,000 annually, seeing any real benefit from the tax cuts that favor the wealthy most is “slim to none.” However, he said that he “believes in Trickle Down even though there ain’t no evidence to support it works.”

“It’s like my faith in Jesus Christ being the one, true, son of God who was implanted via immaculate statutory rape into a 14 year old virgin,” Jethro said. “Some stuff you just know is real no matter what evidence and logic say to the contrary.”

Even if he doesn’t see anything “trickle down” from the richest tax brackets, as supply side economics suggests, Jethro says that doesn’t bother him at all. During his Sunday morning podcast, Jethro told his audience that it’s the duty of “Christian patriots” to live a life of poverty “in service to our rich overlords.”

RELATED: Trump Calls Hillary And Asks If She’d Like To Be President After All

“It’s every red blooded, meat eating, ammo hoarding, good, clean, Christian patriot’s duty to be dirt poor in service to our rich overlords,” Bohiggins said. “The blessed Founding Fathers — NOT mothers, I would add to all the betacuck libtard male feminists out there — created this country with one guiding principle. All men are created equal. Unless they have tons of money, then they’re more equal. It’s just logic, y’all.”

Bohiggins said he has been feeling nostalgic since he woke up Saturday morning to the news that the tax cut bill had been passed. He said that if he never sees a dime trickle down to him, he’ll be glad, and he’s excited about all the things he’ll never afford with the money he’ll never get.

“There’s all kinds of things I just can’t wait to never afford like food, medicine, and housing. It feels just like the Reagan Eighties again,” Bohiggins said. “I was honored to never spend a dime that trickled down to me under Reaganomics, I’ll be just as proud to remain dirt poor under Trumpanomics.”

Mr. Bohiggins says that even though he’s poor enough to need medicare now and will have to rely mostly on Social Security later, he’s happy to die poor and sick, if he has to. He says that “cucks and snowflakes try to help the poor instead of taking care of themselves.” Jethro says “greed and avarice are as American as apple pie and systemic racism” and should never be eliminated from American culture.

“It ain’t my job or your job to tell rich people what to do with their money,” Bohiggins shouted. “Just because they literally can’t spend it before they die, and they all benefited from the very same system they’re trying to game and not pay back into, that doesn’t mean we tell them what to do!”

More satire:

After Tax Vote Announcement, John McCain’s Tumor Considers Joining The Resistance

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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