WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has called the President of Ukraine over the weekend and demanded that someone he sees as a direct threat to his re-election chances be immediately investigated for corruption.
“This past weekend, while he was testing negative for coronavirus and pretending to lead this country through a pandemic outbreak, our Dear President Donald J. Trump once more took his lifelong commitment to finding and ending corruption wherever it is seriously,” White House Press Lush Stephanie Grisham told reporters this morning as she arrived for work, “and picked up the phone. He called the president of Ukraine, and he asked him once again to investigate allegations of corruption in his country.”
Namely, Grisham said, Trump wants Ukraine to investigate corruption that he feels “threatens his political career,” which he considers a direct threat to national security.
“Because President Trump knows and believes in his heart that he is the only and best person to truly protect all Americans and keep them safe,” Grisham continued, “he reached out to Ukraine and asked them to get to the bottom of charges that the novel coronavirus may have gotten a seat on a Ukrainian energy company’s executive board, despite the fact that it had no prior experience working in the energy sector prior to being appointed to the board. Anything that threatens his election chances must be dealt with swiftly, and must be handled with blunt force if needs be. The only thing this country needs is at least four more years of President Donald J. Trump at the helm.”
Ms. Grisham said she’s not fully aware yet of who might have been ultimately behind potentially putting coronavirus on the board of an energy company in Ukraine, but that she and the rest of the Trump administration have a “few hunches.”
“Of course our first hunch is that this is the work of Sleepy Peepy Creepy Heapy Joe Biden,” Grisham admitted. “But whether or not he was working at the behest of Crooked Hillary Clinton, George Satan Soros, or Barack ‘The Previous Black Administration’ Obama is still not certain at this time. Rudy Giuliani has bravely volunteered to fly to Ukraine on the taxpayer’s dime and direct the investigation, though, so we are confident he’ll make up the answers to the questions we have and bring us the intel we desperately need.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Colon) tweeted his support for Trump engaging Ukraine to investigate coronavirus for corruption. Then, during an interview on conservative talk radio, Graham announced that he would begin using his senate committee’s subpoena power to help Trump’s investigation. Graham said the American people “have a right to know” whether Biden, Obama, or anyone else helped unleashed coronavirus in an attempt to sabotage Trump’s re-election.
“You know, last week our amazing, excellent, brilliant, genius president said he believed that Obama and Biden were part of a flu coup with this coronavirus thing,” Graham told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly, “but I’m starting to wonder the exact thing myself, and so I will use every tool the powers of the Senate gives me to get to to the bottom of this. Everyone knows if you need someone to get to the bottom, Lindsey Graham’s your man!”
Graham said he planned to meet with Trump later today to discuss the plan for investigating coronavirus with the help of Ukraine’s prosecutors, but per an edict from President Trump last week, he was having a coronavirus test done first. The president wants all his royal ass kissers to have themselves tested prior to placing their lips on, near, or around his anus.
“Get your tests done, and then come and kiss this ass. You took an oath to defend and kiss my ass, and it’s time for you to pay the piper. The piss-soaked, incestuous, doddering piper with tiny hands. Come and get some.” (Political Garbage Chute)
“Once my coronavirus test results come back, I’ll head right over to the White House, smooch Dear President’s hiney, and then get to the task at hand,” Graham announced. “Which of course is securing a second term for the greatest president any white collar crook or D-list reality TV game show host could ever hope to be.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.