WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump directed the federal government today to designate another organization as a terror group. Last week, the president made headlines when he officially labeled “Antifa” — which stands for “Anti-Fascist” — a terror group. Many have pointed out difficulties in enforcing such a label as Antifa has always been more about a philosophy and not an actual organization in the traditional sense.
As he said he was “dog piling onto” last week’s proclamation, President Trump waved his imperious and yet miniature hands over a new executive order, orange crayon leaving his distinctive signature on the paper. President Trump spoke about the order as he signed it.
“With this order, I hereby declare and decree that UncleFa is also a terrorist group,” Trump explained. “If you ask me, and of course none of you did, even though as president my opinions are legally binding law, and are by definition the only opinions that matter in America, but let’s say you did the right thing and asked me. I’d tell you this decision levels the playing field and makes us a way less sexist country.”
Trump explained further that “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.”
“I would expect to get high praise for this move, frankly. If we don’t label UncleFa a terror group,” Trump insisted, “that’s a whole gender of Fa terrorists who get away with it. Meanwhile the female Fas get labeled terrorists? I mean, they should be, but so should the uncles! You can’t punish the aunties and not the uncles. That’s sexist, and quite frankly, very rude.”
While it’s unclear of it had any impact on Trump’s decision to also go after UncleFa, it’s possible that a development late last week did in fact weigh on his mind as he deliberated it. According to reporting in The Political Garbage Chute, millions upon millions of Americans took part in an emergency Zoom meeting teleconference last week and reached the decision that MAGA should be labeled a terrorist group.
Speaking on a conference call with various media agencies, Sally Susaphonium, Director of the National Institute of American Opinions and Classifications, told reporters that last night, an emergency meeting was held on the teleconferencing app Zoom wherein hundreds of millions of Americans participated in a discussion, and ultimately a vote, on whether to deem MAGA as domestic terrorists. The call was set up by the NIAOC and attempted to reach every American who did not vote for Trump, and would not vote for him again. (TPGC)
President Trump did not address that circumstance as he signed his new order this morning. He did however, issue a grave warning to “the entire Fa family.”
“I know you’re mentioned in one of my favorite Christmas songs along with the La family,” Trump admitted, “but that is no matter! Nobody except me is above the law! Ask Billy Barr! This is your official notice, Nephew Fa, Niece Fa, Son Fa, Daughter Fa, and the entire Fa family. We will not rest until your terrorist regime is out of power and no longer planning to harm Americans!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.