MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Donald Trump has indicated that he’s interested in taking a trip to the southern border between the U.S. and Mexico, though he, nor anybody in his inner circle have indicated what he’d be doing there, or if anyone in charge has requested his presence. It’s unclear when Trump plans to go down to the southern border, if ever, but this morning he announced that he was going to visit a border much closer to his Florida home.
“I am bigly pleased to announce that today I will be visiting a very important border to assess the situation and offer my expert opinions on things,” Trump wrote on a letter emblazoned with a fake presidential seal. “The border between the nearest Burger King and McDonald’s to me needs to be addressed, and it needs to be addressed in a powerful way.”
According to Trump, he’s “sick and tired” of having to cross the street to get from the McDonald’s to the Burger King, and he wants to “fix the border situation” between the two franchises so he can more quickly procure his fast food vittles.
“I should not be forced to walk a short distance between the two very fine hamberder establishments,” Trump writes. “Do you know who I am?! I need the Burger King and McDonald’s people to come together, bring their restaurants into a situation where they are either right next to each other, or preferably in the same building, and I need them to do it RIGHT NOW.”
Mr. Trump often likes to get himself meals from both places in the same trip, he divulged. While he doesn’t actually have to walk between the two in order to visit them, he’s tired of having to wait for traffic to clear so his limo driver can get him shuttled between the two drive-thru lanes. Trump called it the “most worst bigly bad humanitarian crisis of our time.”
“Someone of my stature, of my importance, should not have to wait even a minute for his Big Mac and his Whopper,” Trump insisted. “So therefore I will build a special tunnel between the two places, just for me, and I’ll make Burger King and McDonald’s pay for it!”
Representatives from Burger King and McDonald’s could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.