WASHINGTON, D.C. — Goodly King Emperor Donald J. Trump casts his royal ballot in Florida by mail, but that does not mean average American plebs can or should, according to his Royal Tiny Handed Highness.
In recent days, King Trump has made it abundantly clear that he is highly suspicious of vote-by-mail. At least he’s shown a dubious regard for the practice if he’s not the one doing the mail-in voting. While Emperor God King Trump has shown less concern for vote-by-mail in states that wisely gave him their Electoral College votes in 2016, the opposite can be said for states where efforts to ensure that Americans can vote safely during the COVID-19 pandemic outbreak were undertaken by Democrats.
Speaking to reporters after an Oval Office visit with the president of Scroob Enterprises, a company that manufacturers vacuums designed to remove oxygen from extremely large spaces and that is poised to make ventilators for the Trump administration, the president indicated was asked about his feelings on absentee voting.
“I just don’t trust it, okay? The other day I was talking to Mayor Lepetomane about this issue,” High Grand Poobah Trump explained, “and he completely concurred. You just can’t trust a vote unless it’s in-person and you’re standing over their shoulder, making sure they vote correctly. Anything else, and you’re taking a bigly risk with your election, that much I know for certain.”
When asked, the kingly Trump conceded that he does, in fact vote by mail. He has to, of course, because he’s a legal resident of Florida, but spends most of his time in the White Power House, which is thousands of miles away in the nation’s capital. Just because he votes by mail, though, does not mean everyone should, in his view, and he gave reporters a very precise rationale for his beleifs.
“You know, a couple of people in my royal cabinet brought that up, and a few people on my reelection campaign said similar things,” Trump admitted, “but if they don’t give me a harumph when I am clearly looking for a harumph out of everyone at the table, I’m not gonna listen to them. And let me tell you, I did not get harumphs outta those guys.”
President Trump was even asked about his thoughts on members of the armed forces voting by mail. In every election, thousands of servicemembers are forced to send in their ballots by mail, as they are on active duty and deployed somewhere that is not their voting district. Trump dismissed those questions.
“RUDE. That is so rude and nasty of you to ask me a question that plainly challenges my rhetoric with critical thinking,” Trump bashed the reporter. “GET OUT. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WHITE HOUSE!”
The reporter was dragged away and heaved out onto the front lawn of the White House.
In the end, when reporters were able to finally pin him down, Trump gave a clean, simple explanation as to why he votes by mail but rails against it when states try to encourage it among regular, rank and file voters. Turning to face a news camera head-on, Trump put on a wide, unapologetic smile.
“It’s good to be president,” Trump shrugged.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.