WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, the Trump administration confirmed it would be ending the payments under the Affordable Care Act that the government made on behalf of poor Americans to keep their monthly insurance premiums down. This move is seen as yet another blow by President Trump on the Obama Era. On the Hill, buzz is building that Trump’s only agenda is to dismantle the work of his predecessor, who was the subject of eight years of intense scorn and derision from the right. Many criticize this move as attacking the poorest Americans and causing instability in the insurance market for no other reason than partisan political theater.
But just moments after the news broke of Trump ending the subsidy payments, he was stopped by the press pool and explained that he needed to end the subsidy payments so that he could afford another of what he described as a “very bigly important” agenda item.
“I gotta pay for my golfing trips to Mar-A-Lago this winter somehow,” Trump said, “So you know, in times of great need, sometimes we all have to sacrifice. And by ‘we all’ I of course mean the plebs, who are ironically my base. They’ll never admit they’re plebs of course, because we’ve got them convinced they’re all just millionaires waiting to get their windfall.”
Trump told reporters that despite what some may think about him, he doesn’t ignore his critics. He has heard them, Trump said, when they remarked about his multiple outings to golf courses, and his many trips to Mar-A-Lago, his luxury resort in South Florida. The president decided he had to find a way to better cover the costs of flying himself, his security detail, and his staff, down to his resort every weekend, and the Obamacare subsidies were the perfect fit, in his estimation.
“This fits, I think, in a long and rich American tradition of screwing over the poor people to make rich people happier,” Trump said, “and of course richer. Which is what we’re doing this for. So not only will I be able to fly to Mar-A-Lago without a guilty conscience, I can use these funds to throw myself parties and maybe even give my friends a tax cut. Because why should they pay taxes, just because they make more money than God and use the system to enrich themselves at every turn?”
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The president believes that he was elected and handed a “very simple, very doable” mandate — destroy anything with Obama’s name on it or that in any way related to something Obama considers an accomplishment.
“Every Republican knows that Barack Obama was literally Satan mixed with literally Joseph Stalin all wrapped up in literally Al Qaeda,” Trump said, “so of course I tried to get him out of office for a few years with that nigg — er I mean, birther shit — but that didn’t work for some reason. So we worked with Uncle Vlad, reminded everyone of their fever dream conspiracy theories they believe about CROOKED HILLARY, and now we’re poised to rip up all the progress of the previous administration so that people can die poor and sick again. GOD BLESS AMERICA, AM I RIGHT?!”
This story is developing.
This satire first appeared on The Political Garbage Chute.