Tucker Carlson needs a healthy prostate massage to get an erection. Before you get your knickers in a twist, let me just say that I’m not spreading rumors here. It can’t be a rumor if I heard it right from Mr. Carlson’s mouth, can it? Because that’s exactly what happened when I sold him the butt dildo he uses to get hard.
There has been an awful lot of talk these days about what’s masculine, and what isn’t. Tucker has been the one doing a lot of the talking. He’s been so laser-focused on helping men achieve their true alpha potential that he’s apparently gotten himself through medical school and is now giving out medical advice. Now, I’ve never heard of tanning your balls to be more manly, but hey, he’s the doctor.
MORE: Bill Maher is So Sick and Tired of Millennial Liberals He May Stop Trying to Fuck Them One Day
The really interesting thing, to me anyway, is that the whole time Tuck was in the sex shop I work in, he didn’t really seem all that concerned about masculinity. Like, at all. He just wanted me to help him find the biggest, widest dildo his sphincter could handle. Before meeting him, I would have presumed that Tucker Carlson’s asshole was too puckered to even accept a dildo, but boy was I wrong!
We went through so many big, wide dildos looking for the biggest, widest one that would fit.
The more I think about it, the more normal, and quite average Tucker seemed that day. I mean, I’ve sold I don’t know how many dildos to how many men. And none of them, I mean none of them, have expressed any thoughts, feelings, or opinions on what is or isn’t masculine. They just want to find a penile analogue of a log for their anus, and they want me to help them procure it.
Tucker was no different.
He walked into my store, confidently strode up to the counter, and greeted me. He told me that he was in need of a new butt dildo because he’d “worn out” his previous one. I can only assume that means Tucker Carlson quite often gets ass railed in order to get hard enough to have sex. And if not, then I hope he doesn’t get mad at me for writing this, since I’m just “asking questions.”
After about two hours of trying various dildos, we finally landed on the BlastMaster 5000. Tucker told me he was familiar with the brand, because he’d owned a BlastMaster 2000 back in the day. It was, overall, an okay retail experience. Do I want him back in the store any time soon? Well, no, because I don’t like it when non-famous Nazis come in either.
But, still, I can’t complain too much.
As for why Tucker didn’t mention masculinity at all while we were narrowing it down to the BM 5000, I’m not sure. You’d have to ask him. To me, it’s pretty masculine, and really just adult in general, to know what you want and not care what anyone else thinks of you. At any rate, all I know is that Tucker Carlson came into my sex shop looking for a butt dildo to help him get hard, and he left a very satisfied customer.
Everything else is a story for another time.
|Become a Patron!|
Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.