WASHINGTON, D.C. — A big, dumb, stupid idiot took to his Twitter account this weekend and used it to send dozens of tweets, often in rapid-fire succession, that were rants about how victimized he’s being by the concept of accountability, retweeting other loudmouthed idiots and bots, and posting video clips of various biased media personalities’ slobbering, idiotic defense of his own — likely criminal — idiotic behavior.
On Saturday morning, the idiot in chief complained effusively about being asked to show evidence he doesn’t use his unequaled powers to enrich his business interests, harass his political rivals, and evade accountability even further. The bloviating moron, who has never been afraid to prove his asininity on the global stage, insisted that he is the target of a vast conspiracy to use checks and balances in a flagrant, hostile, mean way all because of the misguided belief that the general public doesn’t indeed, in fact, want to be ruled under dictatorial fiat by a former reality-TV star.
It was unfair, the obnoxious, wheezing, windbag of a dipshit argued, for him to be held to the exact same standards of conduct that literally every other person in his position had ever been held to. It was absurd, the pant-wettingly dead-brained fool insisted, that he not be called out for continually wielding the powers of his office like a cudgel, bludgeoning the institutions the country depends on to assure its citizens no one is above the law. A constitutional check on his absurd and patently fraudulent usurpation of his authorities, the irrefutably Palin-esque idiot tweeted, is nothing more than a partisan witch hunt. Speaking of witch hunts, the fantastically misanthropic cerebral wet fart of a human being quipped, why wasn’t anyone investigating the foil-wrapped conspiracy theory his equally idiotic dipshit sons fed to him via his Twitter account’s DM feature?
By Saturday night, the Twitter community was still being treated to the kinds of toxic vitriol that might get a middling satirist banned from the site when used against actual bad people, but is just part of the deal when dealing with this particular idiot’s Twitter feed. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey would later explain that his company simply cannot ban someone for using their Twitter feed to obstruct justice, intimidate witnesses, and trample the Constitution because it’s “every idiot’s right to bring our company media attention and drive our stock prices up.” The evening’s tweets from the country’s chief executive and chiefly stupid president were mostly clips of his propaganda outlet of choice filling its broadcast airwaves with outrageous lies that even a modicum of fact checking debunk, while ignoring intelligent anchors on the same outlet actually trying to educate the public about his idiotic lies, misdeeds, and criminal dumbness.
The non-stop spewing of untruths, mendacious accusations, and verbal diarrhea didn’t stop on Sunday, either, because the idiot wanted to make sure he did his level-best to remind the country that he’s still the highest-powered idiot in all the land. Early in the morning, the big nitwit started retweeting random Twitter followers who were reflexively defending his criminal lawlessness because he belongs to the same political party he does. The shit-flinging ignoramus also retweeted what appeared to be bots, though given the ability of even his most human of loyalists’ abilities to seem stupid as fuck, it’s not clear at this time if they were bots, or just more of his moronic fleet of jerky, often times racist, always hoodwinked, sycophantic stooge base.
Sunday afternoon, when a lot of his evangelical followers were coming home from church, the thrice-married, porn star fornicating, bumbling, stumbling, lifelong crooked simpleton was screeching and ranting about how unjust it is for him to be asked to not abuse the powers of his office. In the most Christlike way possible, the stupid goddamned bonehead implied people whistleblowing on his administration were traitors to the country who should be summarily outed and executed.
For a couple hours on Sunday evening, the boasting, prideful, protofascist shithead idiot wasn’t active on Twitter. It’s presumed this was when he was being pumped full of fast food and more idiotic conspiracy theories from his white collar crook children. But by just after sundown, the senior citizen dunce was back to Twitter harping on and on about the state of his victimhood. The idiot’s tweets were expected to last well into the next day.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.