“Everyone knows my sons are incredible big game hunters, as long as the big game is penned in and they’re using massive weapons of war to hunt them,” Trump said from the Oval Office this morning, “and we also know how much my base loves to hunt. So, Uday and Qusay are going to host a special game hunt on the White House lawn in December, in honor of Christmas.”
The president told reporters his sons’ White House lawn hunt will be the “first of a bigly many” events intended to promote Christmas, which Trump said “is the most important American holiday again.”
“Finally, after years and years of no one celebrating Christmas, I have brought Christmas back again. It had been at least 30, maybe 130, years since anyone even uttered the phrase, ‘Merry Christmas,’ let alone went Christmas shopping or watched Christmas programming on television,” Trump said.
Plans are for the White House to procure several large animals from various zoos around the country. The animals will then be placed on the lawn of the White House. Trump’s sons will then host a hunting party of the thirty largest donors to their father’s campaign, and each member of the party will be given a special edition AR-15 to hunt with.
“Dad say this good idea,” Uday said, his overbite reminiscent of actor Gary Busey moving as he grunted, “So me think this be lots and lots of fun!”
“Yeah, Dad say this be fun, so me think this be fun. Also, libtards, Breitbart, tweets, Russia, Crooked Killary,” the older Trump brother chimed in.
Reportedly, there could be other family members of the Trump administration on the hunt.
“I’m told that Sarah Huckabee’s brother is quite good at killing animals,” President Trump explained, “So I’ve asked her if she thinks her brother will come along, and if she thinks we’d have to get a few dogs into the mix for him to do so.”
The Trump brothers will be dressed in their “most festive attire,” and will serve special cocktails and snacks to the hunting party.
“Uday and Qusay will be in smart, powder white robes, signifying it’s a truly white power Christmas,” President Trump announced, “and they’ll be serving martinis made with the finest Vodka made in Russia by our lovely overlords. Wait. What did I say?”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.