WASHINGTON, D.C. — With so many challenges already facing Americans these days, the Donald Trump administration reportedly wanted to hold off on issuing the emergency guidance just published by the White House. In it, the president urges all Americans to do an “under the bed Antifa check” every night before going to sleep.
“As bad as the coronavirus is — and really it’s not that bad just because, like, a little over a hundred thousand people have died from it,” Trump wrote in a communique to the American people, “the Antifa threat is much, much biglier. And like the truly sneaky sneaks they are, you just never can tell who’s an Antifa. That’s why you must check under your bed every night before you go to sleep, to make sure there aren’t any Antifa hiding under it!”
The Trump administration has already officially deemed Antifa a terrorist organization. This might raise some eyebrows, however, because AntiFa isn’t a fully realized organization in the truest sense of the word. Antifa is, instead an ideal that many subscribe to. While some violence has been carried out supposedly under the banner of antifa, the FBI still considers white nationalism to be a bigger domestic terror threat.
“It’s just so rude to call Nazis terrorists and not the people who are fighting against the Nazis! So very rude,” Trump wrote. “I have to counteract that rudeness somehow. So that’s why I’m almost begging you all to please start looking under your bed for Antifa before you go to sleep each night. Do it for your country!”
Trump warned Americans that “Antifas can look like your grandchildren.”
“Have you noticed that since little Timmy went off to college he’s spouting libtarded bullshit like capitalism isn’t perfect? Then he’s prolly an Antifa,” Trump insisted. “Trust me. You can trust me. You know you can trust me, right? You have to trust me. It’s the law. Billy Barr says so, so there!”
President Trump gave Americans some suggestions for keeping their kids from becoming agents of Antifa.
“If you have to, take away their smartphones. They might be getting their radical ideas from the MTV or from Facebook dot Tweeter dot com or whatever,” Trump said. “If you take their phones now, you’ll cut off the dangerous flow of facts and educational materials that are turning them against you, against America, and most importantly, against me!”
Not just Antifa agents could be found under Americans’ beds, Trump warned.
“There could be Democrats under there! There could be far-left Democrats,” Trump foretold. “What if there are ten trillion illegal Mexicans under your bed, waiting to kill you, steal your identity, and vote via mail-in ballot? OH MY GOD! WHAT IF MAIL-IN BALLOTS ARE UNDER YOUR BED?! We cannot take that risk, everyone!”
Reportedly, Mr. Trump has already figured out a way to ensure that someone is checking under Americans’ beds for Antifa agents each night.
“If you all don’t feel like doing it, that’s fine. I’ll have my dumbfuck son Don Jr personally visit your house and check himself,” Trump wrote. “God knows he needs something to do with his time.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.