Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Newly Discovered Life on Venus Declines Offer to Be Taken to Our Leader

BLEEPBLORP, VENUS — 2020 has been quite a year. “One for the record books,” as one might be inclined to say. An impeachment trial. A global pandemic. An economic meltdown due to the outbreak. Then, just this week, scientists confirmed that they’ve discovered signs of life on Venus in the planet’s clouds, and just this morning, there was yet another development in that story.

MORE: Idiot Wants Moron to Moderate Debate With Biden

Last night, NASA sent a message to Venus via a new, high-speed communication technology. The message indicated that President Donald John Trump would “be bigly interested” in having a meeting with any sentient life forms that happen to live on Venus. Sources close to the situation are saying that the general consensus was that nobody expected to actually get a response from Venus.

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Then, early this morning, overnight crews working NASA’s communication desk got exactly that — a response from Venus.

“Obviously the first thing we did was contact Space Force, for national security reasons,” one NASA source told us. “Once they said there was no imminent threat posed by the communique, we opened it. It asked us how we were doing, and thanked us for finally making neighborly contact.”

NASA’s communications experts, shocked that the Venusian life forms spoke and understood Teran English, then offered to set up a meeting between the aliens and President Trump.

“It was a very simple communication. We offered the Venusians a chance to meet our leader,” the NASA source divulged to us. “We even offered to take them directly from whichever landing zone they choose, to him, with no questions asked. All they have to do is show up, and we’ll take them right to our leader.”

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NASA’s staffers weren’t expecting to get a response in short order, given how long it takes to get a message to Venus, and considering that the decision to make first contact with earthlings “probably isn’t one to made lightly,” as our NASA source indicated. However, NASA did in fact receive a reply, much sooner than they’d anticipated. The Venusians, whoever they may be, politely declined the offer.

“Uhh, yeah. Hmmm. Nah. No thanks,” the Venusian transmission, a copy of which was provided to us, stated. “We’re good. Honestly we probably won’t come for a visit until you guys get that whole COVID-19 think figured out, and frankly we were thinking we’d wait until after the election, to see if a more alien-receptive administration was put into power. We hope you understand, and are quite grateful for the offer nevertheless.”

An outraged President Trump reportedly is threatening to rename Venus as punishment for their insult.

“I’m considering a very strong response. Something like renaming them Penis, or something mature and presidential, like I always do,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office when asked about Venus declining the offer for a visit with him. “That’ll show ’em. Just like I defeat Crazy Nancy, Cryin’ Chuck, and Sleepy Toe-Teepy Biden every time I call them a childish name!”

MORE: Trump: “I Didn’t Want to Panic Everyone About the Virus Until I Knew If It Had Brown Skin!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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