COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Jethro Bohiggins is “sick and fucking tired” of seeing liberals and progressives in his small Tennessee town feed the homeless. The right-wing podcaster and singer/songwriter told his audience today that when he sees a liberal in his town telling someone they should be able to use any bathroom that makes them feel comfortable, regardless of their genitals at birth, he wants to “shit a purple Twinkie.”
“I can’t be the only one who has had it up to here with all this caring and stuff,” Bohiggins ranted, “because we all know ‘caring’ is just a liberal elitist word for ‘government control.’ I’m sorry, fam, but I ain’t gonna let no goddamn government tell me I can’t judge people based on the color of their skin without being called an insensitive, racist jerk for it!”
Bohiggins says “America is rotten from within” because “good, clean, moral, upstanding, God fearing, gun toting, ammo hoarding American patriots” feel like they can’t exercise their freedom of speech freely.
“What good is free speech if it has consequences, anyway, fam? I ask you this,” Jehtro said, “in all earnest sincerity. Isn’t the whole point of free speech to be an obtuse, ignorant douchebag and never be called an obtuse, ignorant douchebag for what you say? I sure think so, and my barely ninth grade civics understanding says that’s true, so it clearly must be!”
Jethro then recounted the events of an encounter he had with a longtime friend over the weekend. The two were out to eat at a local barbecue establishment when they were approached by a homeless man. Without hesitating, Bohiggins’ friend gave the homeless veteran a five dollar bill. Jethro saw a teaching moment, and gave the homeless veteran a lesson in personal economic responsibility.
“Now, if giving the homeless guy free money wasn’t bad enough, let me tell you, something,” Jethro told his audience. “Me and Jerry got into a heated argument at the table because I said I thought that it’d be better if we just built a big catapult and launched the migrant babies we kidnap back over the border, instead of spending good American money keeping semi-Mexican-ish people dirty and malnourished.”
Jerry apparently told Jethro he thought the catapult was “mean and heartless” and said that in America, it seems ridiculous and insulting to tell small babies we’re too full and too poor to help.
“Can you believe that vulgar display of empathy and compassion, fam? I tell you what, as soon as I picked my jaw up off the floor, I hit Jerry with the most logically concise, brilliant conservative argument I could,” Jethro explained, “and I don’t think he’d ever been called a ‘Libtard’ out loud like that before, so I won that argument hands-fuckin’-down, y’all.”
For Bohiggins, whether or not to be compassionate or empathetic comes down to a “very simple question.”
“Where does it say I have to be compassionate in the Constitution? Where does it say in the Constitution I have to care about others,” Jethro asked rhetorically. “Sure that stuff is in the Bible, but if you think a Christian actually uses the Bible as their guidelines for behavior, I have a Mueller Report that exonerates the president to sell you.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.