WASHINGTON. D.C. — President Trump backed off threats to implement new tariffs on Mexican goods as the United States and Mexico worked out the preliminary details of an agreement that he hopes will curtail the flow of migrants from Central American into the U.S. In a rather unforeseen additional twist, Trump perhaps shocked some of his supporters today when he announced that he’d be willing to drop his demand for border wall funding.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer would have to agree to replacing the wall with a giant, retractable domed room, however. Trump believes that the dome, modeled after the ones that have been installed in major sporting venues all over the country, is a “bigly good” compromise to offer. The president told reporters on the White House lawn today that he would gladly trade the money he’s asking to be set aside for a wall in a budget resolution that would re-open the government for monies set aside to construct the massive retractable dome that would encompass and enclose the entire United States of America, including Alaska and Hawaii.
“I even want to have the dome stretch over Previous Black Administration’s fake birth state,” Trump said, beaming with pride at his own joke. “I want everyone to be safe and secure, if a border wall won’t do it, maybe trapping — er I mean, ensnaring, er I mean, protecting, everyone under a big dome will do the trick!”
Mr. Trump says that he’s been to enough sporting events to know retractable roofs can help teams manage for both hot and cold weather scenarios and protect their turf. He said he wants to protect America’s turf by building the dome. Trump even seemed to acknowledge one of the biggest criticisms of his wall — that it doesn’t address how most undocumented people enter the country.
“People have been telling me for a couple years that the wall is dumb because people can go over it, and especially because most people who come into the country illegally do so by way of an airport,” Trump said. “So I’m thinking if we put the big ol’ dome over our country, planes won’t be able to land unless we open it. Is it genius? Of course it is. Do I deserve a raise for it? Of course. Will I take it? Of course not, I’m donating my American salary and Vlad’s first check is still in the mail, I guess. So I’m good.”
The Trump Dome, as the president has come to call it, would stretch from Alaska’s western shoreline, down to Hawaii, and then across the continent, sealing up the entire country. Puerto Rico and Guam would be excluded from the dome.
“If they can’t give me any Electoral College votes, why should I care about them? This is for Americans who can give me more power,” Trump explained. “Give me some votes next time, and you’ll get more than paper towels and a handshake, know what I mean?”
There are no estimates as to how much the Trump Dome would cost, but the president says he isn’t concerned about the price tag at all.
“When the hell have I actually paid for anything? Let’s not go getting bogged down with details,” Trump said. “Details are for cucks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.