WASHINGTON, D.C. — Immediately upon returning back to the White House from the Washington Nationals’ baseball stadium, President Donald J. Trump ordered the immediate deportation of the team and all its fans “back to Maple Mexico.” Mr. Trump had been overwhelmingly jeered during the game, and there were long, sustained chants of “lock him up” raining down on him. Trump attended the game with a group of Republican lawmakers, including Florida drunk Matt Gaetz and Mdm. Lindsey Graham.
There it is. pic.twitter.com/hH9V8B8IYs
— Gabe Lacques (@GabeLacques) October 28, 2019
Mr. Trump’s private reaction to being booed so mightily was not known at the time, however the deportation order makes it very clear — his feelings were extremely hurt. Sources say that when the president was told the Nationals used to be the professional baseball team from Montreal, Canada — the Expos — he flew into a xenophobic rant.
“Oh, so those little fuckers aren’t even American,” Trump reportedly shouted. “They come from Canada? That’s it! That is it! Send them all back. Send each and every one of those a-hole Nationals back to Maple Mexico! The fans too!”
Stephen Miller, chief racism adviser to the president, asked if he wanted just the fans who had attended the game arrested and deported, or if Trump wanted every Nats fan everywhere rounded up and sent packing.
“Are you dumb, Stephen? Are you completely and utter stupid,” Trump asked in a fit of uncontrollable rage. “Wipe them out. All of them. Gather them up, and I don’t care if you put them on a goddamn catapult and fire them over the Canuck border! You get rid of all them.”
Late this evening, reporters are hurriedly assembled in the Oval Office for a signing ceremony. Mr. Trump was seated behind the Resolute Desk, a line of adderall chopped up on a mirror. He snorted the adderall and put his signature down on the order.
“I hereby order the Washington Nationals and all their jerk-ass enemy of the people fans deported from my United States of America,” Trump shouted. “Attorney General Barr has assured me that, as always, I am totally allowed to do this. And if he says it, it must be true, right folks? Right.”
Mr. Trump is said to be considering other executive orders in order to “restore control and calm among the people.”
“He’s pretty close to declaring the First Amendment null and void,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters this evening. “He felt personally attacked, and even criticized by tens of thousands of people at once. After doing some research, we figured out those impetuous assholes have some kind of right to freedom of expression, and that’s why they booed him and chanted to lock him up. That’s so mean to him. He’s never done anything mean or rude to anyone ever, and this is how the ungrateful swine of America treat our dear president?”
Not many on the Hill have come out in support of deporting the Nationals or their fans. Mr. Trump has apparently reached out to the Major League Baseball front office and told them he’d “make them a deal.” In exchange for allowing the team to stay, they have to change their name.
“If they change their name to the Washington White Nationalists, they can stay,” Conway said, “and we’ll even send some of our white nationalists over to play a few games. You know, if the other players want to sit out.”
President Trump reportedly told staff he’s “this close” to canceling all major sporting events.
“First the uppity urbans start kneeling before my national anthem,” Trump was overheard yelling at his wife Melania, “and now these baseball cucks are booing me? They’re stealing my Crooked Hillary chant and making it about me? I don’t think so. I will destroy them. I will show them what American freedom really means, and that’s the freedom to do whatever the fuck I say, whenever the fuck I say, and that’s it! THAT IS IT!?”
The Nationals and Major League Baseball could not be reached for comment.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.