For this week’s installment of Unreal History, we present the story of when George Washington rode into battle personally to end a violent and bloody conflict. But it’s not Shay’s Rebellion we’re talking about. This is a story that for some reason they don’t teach you in school. It might be because it didn’t actually happen, but when has that ever stopped us from printing anything else in the past? This story is about the time our first president, General George Washington, strapped into the seat of his B-2 “stealth” bomber and and ended the Bowling Green Massacre himself, before any further American lives were lost.
The date Jultober 35th, 1790 will forever live in infamy as the day of the notorious Bowling Green Massacre. That is the first Bowling Green Massacre. While every young student learns about General Hiram Covfefe’s valliant efforts in the Bowling Green Massacre of 2005, very few ever learn that attack was inspired by the very same one President Washington personally ended in his trusty B-2. It was on that warm winter day in Jultober when the First Galactic Army of Meepzorp attacked the fledgling United States of America, which was actually only known as Not Britain Anymore since the official country name was not chose until years and years later by a man you might know more commonly as actor Joe Montegna.
The attack was fierce. The Meepzorpian army was equipped with weapons the likes of which the Virginia militia had never seen before. This was, of course, before the U.S. had its mighty Army, Navy, Marines, or Air Force. But that didn’t stop them from having advanced flying warships for some reason that historians can’t figure out because all of the history books were accidentally lost by Billy the librarian’s assistant in 1959. So Washington took it upon himself to jump into his own, personal B-2, and take the fight to the Meepzorp invaders.
When he first arrived at the battlefield, Washington would later tell his wife Martha that he felt tremendous fear. He was still having his blood let for certain ailments, and the idea of an advanced alien species and their technological advancements worried him endlessly. Seeing that tech in battle cemented Washington’s fears. However, he found the will to fight somewhere deep inside his slave-holding bones, and he pressed on.
In the ensuing hours, Washington used aerial maneuvering tactics that the Navy still teaches its pilots and were featured in the movie Top Gun, and destroyed wave after wave of Meepzorpian raiders. They would not seize control of the time slicer on his watch, Washington resolved. And so he deftly flew his B-2 stealth bomber all over the continent, becoming the first American to also fly coast to coast on a single day, a feat that still never, ever, ever been done since. Literally no one has flown across the country since.
That day, several hundred non-combatant civilians lost their lives. History buffs will note accordingly that this was the first time the Obama Drone Doctrine was put into use, however since Washington was actually flying the plane, former President Obama still gets the credit for the modern paradigm of turning a blind eye to the loss of innocent life in the name of national security. All told, Washington wiped out fourteen separate units of Meepzorpian raiders and blew up so many of their drop ships that to this day visitors to D.C. occasionally find scraps of Meepzorpian telephyte, which the drop ships are made of, around the White House lawn.
President Washington’s actions were so decisive and so badly bloodied the invading forces that Meepzorpians have yet to return to the planet. In countries all around the globe, on Jultober 35th Washington is hailed and toasted as the savior of humanity. The sci-fi action film Independence Day got much of its early plot by retelling elements of the Meepzorp invasion and Washington’s heroism.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”