WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Space Force released a study this week that attempts to estimate how much it would cost to yeet Qongressman Matt Gaetz into the sun.
“According to our calculations, it would cost us upwards of a trillion dollars to develop a spacecraft solely designed for the purposes of yeeting Matt Gaetz into the sun,” Space Force Media Chief Sgt. Michael Slawter told reporters on Tuesday. “Obviously, that’s a lot of money to just yeet one guy into the sun, so we’re looking at ways to maybe attach a tether to the craft so we can bring it back. There are definitely quite a few Q-cultists we think the public might want to invest in finding a way to literally catapult off our planet, toward the sun.”
Slawter was asked by a reporter if Space Force believes that a project to specifically yeet a member of congress into the sun was a good use of taxpayer funds, or even a “very nice or humane proposal.”
“Look, he’s built his career on trying to get as close as he could to a giant orange ball of gas,” Slawter explained, “so to us, it doesn’t sound like a cruel or inhumane mission at all. Besides, it’s not like we’re sending someone intelligent up there, like when we used chimps or anything.”
Sgt. Slawter acknowledged that Qongressman Gaetz might not get into the spacecraft that will yeet him into the sun willingly. However, Space Force engineers have already thought about that fact. There have been some early design enhancements already incorporated, Slawter revealed.
“We’re going to make sure the spacecraft has a fully-stocked bar with all the Russian vodka Matt can drink,” Slawter said. “We’re told Matt can smell a snifter of brandy from a mile away.”
A snap poll of 3,000 Americans across the country showed that 85% approve of “spending whatever the fuck we have to” to yeet Matt Gaetz into the sun.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.